So Mommy had a meltdown tonight. And by 'mommy', I mean me. And by 'meltdown', I mean tears flowing, throat tightening so I couldn't even eat later, headache-inducing crying. Why did Mommy have a meltdown? I really couldn't tell ya! All I know is that Mommy needs a time-out! I got a sinus infection last week and then had to work the weekend and I really just needed sleep so maybe that's the problem. The Little One has decided that instead of waking up between 7:00-7:30am like she has for the past 4 months that she will wake up at 6am which hasn't helped. Not to mention the 7 1/2 month clingy phase has started where I can't be out of her sight at home. So she's not napping well unless she's being held and not playing well unless I'm in the room. TLO not napping well makes for a cranky baby, Mommy not getting any down time while TLO naps makes for a cranky mommy. It's just the way things work.
Part of the dilemma for me is this: What right do I have to complain about being weary from being a parent when I wanted this so badly and there are others still waiting? I prayed and prayed for this child, I waited and longed for this child, so do I really have a right to complain when I am frustrated after a few rough days? Is it wrong for me to still crave some alone/ME/quiet time? I prayed for this, right? Actually, I prayed for the snuggles, smiles, kisses, wrinkly feet, etc. But I knew there would be days filled with poopy diapers, constant cries and the need to be held. I knew there would be days when I wouldn't get anything accomplished around the house and the toilets would be dirty, the floors would be dirty and all our clothes would be dirty. But I don't think I knew the ache that would happen in my heart when TLO cries when put in her bed and continues to cry when left alone. I don't think I knew how it would drain my energy to hear those cries. Still though, I prayed for this and God granted what I asked of Him - and so I ache and I am drained and mommy had a meltdown. But don't worry about mommy, I'm scheduling myself for a TLC day very soon!
I can't help but wonder the drain God feels when His children are crying uncontrollably and can't be comforted, when they yell at Him, curse at Him and cry to Him for relief. I wonder if He ever craves a time when one of His children doesn't need to be held or comforted or just to know His presence. Does He crave quiet time as much as I do? Does He ever want to pull a blanket over His head for a few minutes and close out the world?
I'm sorry Lord for the times I have drained You and made Your heart ache. I'm sorry for the times I have yelled at You, questioned Your reasons behind my pain. I'm sorry for the times I wouldn't let You comfort me. But I feel Your hand now Lord, I know You're with me. I thank You for the sweet, sweet child You have given me and even for the times I throw my hands up not knowing what else to do. I thank You for the wonderful husband You have given me to hold my hand through this journey. Thank You Lord, for all our blessings. Amen.
I can tell you that these days will not last forever. One day, in just a few short years you will see a new mom and dad with that same tired look on their face and you will smile because you have known that feeling but KNOW that it passes and you have made it through but also that you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteGet yourself a spa day, they should be mandatory for every mom! The only downside, the last time I tried to take one I could not stop thinking about the kids and calling the sitter everyone 20 mins LOL!