Comfort and Healing

Before I became a mom I remember seeing snotty-nosed little kids running around and wondered why in the world their moms couldn't keep those runny noses under control. Yes, I judged. And I am so sorry moms of the world! The Little One (TLO) has had this never ending runny nose now for weeks. We've salined and suctioned (I cannot recommend the Graco Nasal Aspirator enough! so much better than the bulb syringe!), we humidified, we Vicks'd and we medicated. But the runny nose never stopped. We went to the doctor with bronchitis and started nebulizer treatments which cleared up the wheezing, but the runny nose never went away. Her wheezing stopped, her cough got better...and then came enlarged lymph nodes, bilateral ear infections and 102.8 fever.  And that was after mommy being sick for 5 days. Now that we're treating that I'm praying that we are all on the path to good health. But here's the thing that kills me even when she has pain and fever, I still get smiles like the one on the right.

I also have a secret...I secretly enjoy the hours of snuggles I get when she's sick.  Those hours of snuggles just remind me that I wouldn't trade this life for anything in the world. Those hours of snuggles remind me of how much I prayed for this. I know those snuggles provide comfort to The Little One, but I am convinced that those hours of snuggling provide healing too. Those hours of snuggles remind me that I will never stop worrying about her! I am her mom.

I am TLO's mom, but I am someone else's baby. Yes, I am the baby in my family and after hating being called "the baby" for so many years, I am happy to say it now. I am the baby. And I just found out my mommy is sick. And she's not sick in the way that a little antibiotic or a breathing treatment will fix. She's sick in the way that doesn't show to anyone else and in the way that no daughter ever wants to hear. My mom has breast cancer. My mom has cancer and I'm a nurse. I'm a nurse and can't do anything to help her. I know it's a small tumor. I know it's treatable. I know that God heals and gives knowledge and talents to human hands to do surgery and offer treatment. But I also know that she's my mom. If I thought I could snuggle with my mom and provide healing and comfort the way I do for TLO I would do it. She doesn't fit that well on my lap though and I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way. So I'm asking for our Father to hold her in His arms instead and provide the healing and comfort. And I'm asking you to remember TLO's grandma in your prayers.   Next week we will meet with a doctor to start the treatment journey. I will do whatever I can to help her on this journey because she is my mom. And...I am her baby.

Thank You Jehova Rapha, the Lord who heals,  for helping my child while she's sick. Thank You for blessing me with the time to hold her closely this week. Thank You Lord for allowing the cancer inside my mom to be found early. But please provide Your comfort to our family as we figure out what happens next. Hold her in Your arms and provide the healing that only You can provide. Because she may be my mom, I may be her baby, but You are the Father to us all. Amen.

Chosen

Photo courtesy of Allison Harms Photography

Last week I was at lunch with my parents and The Little One (TLO) when a kind, well-meaning stranger approached us. This lady was clearing tables in the restaurant and stopped by our table and said to TLO, "well aren't you just beautiful!?" At this I smiled, then she went on to look at me and ask "did you get to pick her?" Um, er, what? I held my smile and said "God picked her for us before she was ever born." She said she would pick her just for those eyelashes she has and that we were blessed, I agreed and she moved on. And then I looked at my dad and I'm pretty sure my jaw was on the table as I said "What????? Who asks that?????" My parents assured me that I was tactful in my response and that she meant well. I am very used to questions about adoption at this point, as well as comments about how beautiful TLO is and how social she is (see my post of last year : Home and Hope)  but this one bothered me. All kinds of mean statements came to my head, so God must have been with me to help me control my tongue! I felt seriously conflicted by this short and simple conversation, much more than I should have been. Just the word "pick" brought up all sorts of images of eeny-meeny-miney-moe or the dreaded school-yard pick which always leaves one child standing alone and embarrassed at the end. Perhaps it hit to close to home because it made me think about being picked. You see, I was picked. I was chosen by God. But I wasn't chosen because of my beauty because I have been clouded in ugly sin. I have done ugly things and I have said ugly things. I wasn't chosen because of my physical features because I am overweight in a body that sometimes fails me. I have graying hair. I have physical scars. But I was chosen. I was adopted. I was made beautiful in God's sight.

⁴ For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will -- ⁶ to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. Ephesians 1:4-6

What a joy to know that God doesn't see my ugliness, my scars or my weight! I am holy and blameless! I am His daughter! There is a beautiful song by Gungor playing on Christian radio stations now (and is a favorite on my iPod!). The lyrics are very simple, repeating over and over throughout the song. In fact, there's not a lot else to the song other than a few lines, but are more words needed when these are so powerful?

"You make beautiful things. You make beautiful things out of the dust. You make beautiful things. You make beautiful things out of us"

God takes the lowest of the low, the dirtiest of the dirty and makes such beautiful things. God takes us, whether rich or poor, athletic or handicapped, fat or thin and makes something beautiful. God picked me. God picked you.
My lesson has been learned.

Thank You Father for picking me just as I was, just as I am every day. Thank You for choosing me in my ugliness and in my sin. Thank You for making me beautiful. Thank You for giving me the words I need to express Your love and Your hand in my life instead of allowing my own tongue to spew spiteful words. Thank You for adopting me and for choosing the sweet, beautiful child You have blessed my life with! Amen.

The Journey Continues

How is it possible that I have not blogged since October? So many times I think "I should blog about that" so how is possible that I never do?????? Oh yes, I have a 14 month old, that's how!  We have also battled a couple of rounds of illness in the family and traveled over 1500 miles through the holidays, so please accept the sweet pic above as a token of my apology!

Short summary of the last few months and then I have seriously have some new topics planned to write about soon!  It happened. The Little One (TLO) turned 1. *sniff, sniff*  We had a great birthday party with lots of family and friends. She LOVED her cake, can you tell? And then she got to be the cutest pumpkin ever for halloween.   It seems like every day she learns a new word. She only repeats the words when she wants to, of course. It seems at 3am when she wakes up to talk she can say anything she wants though!  Silly girl. But who am I to judge, I only do things when I want to too.

The past  year has been incredible. I didn't really understand what I was missing until we had this sweet bundle of joy in our lives. I also did not realize the utter destruction that a small child can accomplish! My dad noted that TLO can take everything out of her toy box and have a room destroyed faster than a tornado!  And what is with the puppy-type chewing? On a recent 1 hour drive, I got home to discover this: No, it's not the first and I'm sure it won't be the last. But surely a book can't taste good, right? She's working on those stupid molars (1 of 4 are through and the last 3 are painful for all of us!) So any molar teething suggestions will happily be accepted! I happen to think if you can destroy a hard book with only 9 teeth you must not need the rest! 

Too many changes are happening too fast at this point. Just. Too. Fast! I had truly planned to keep TLO turned rear-facing in her car seat until she was 2 which is the recommendation. But at 13 months I turned her forward for the aforementioned 1500 mile car trip. Bad mom? No, just a mom trying to keep sane on the trip and not kill my back anymore than necessary. Because in my other "bad mom" move I set up the iPad on a holder in the car so she could watch Elmo on the trip. She didn't get to watch it very much in the car, but when it was playing she was one happy little traveler!  

We are also in the process of taking down the baby gate and allowing more freedom in the house. To this point, she's been able to play in the living room, dining room, kitchen and entryway. The gate was up in the hallway leading to the laundry room, bedrooms and bathrooms. This was partly to keep her safe but also to give the cat a safe place to exist too. But the time has come that she can tear the gate down pretty quickly and she really needed to be able to get to her own room to play. So the solution was to put a cat door in our bedroom door to allow the cat an escape. I guess TLO understood the concept of a cat door...or else she wanted to give the real cat a little company? This is what I found when I went to put TLO to bed last night. Sweet girl!  I have some furniture to get strapped to the wall as well.  If you haven't secured your furniture, please read this to remember the consequences. It's not easy to read as a parent, but being a parent isn't easy, right? Love, Light, Laughter and Chocolate - One Mom's Journey  I would love to hear how much freedom you allow. Has your child always been allowed free reign? Are you a babygater or an openhouser?  I happen to think there's no right or wrong answer, just the answer that works for each family. 

Thank You Father for the safety you provided us during our travels, for the health you have restored us to and for the family we were able to visit. Thank You for blessing our lives this past 14 months! Please continue to keep us safe as we go through this next year, help me to grow in my walk with You, to develop more as a mother and to be a better wife. Please continue to help The Little One grow and learn and for me to know how best to help her do these things. Amen.

Questions, Comfort and Control

How is it possible that our little pumpkin is almost one?????

     We’ve often been asked about our experience when The Little One was born – what was it like in the hospital? When did we ‘get’ her? Did her birthmom see her? Did we ‘let’ her see her?  So as we approach TLO’s 1^st birthday I wanted to share a little about what the adoption experience can be like in the hospital to help others understand. This was what it was like for us and it’s important to realize that every adoption is different.  This is also a lot of my opinion and others may not agree, and that’s okay too!

     First, it’s important to note that nothing ‘officially’ happens with the adoption until the birthmom signs consent to terminate parental rights. The timeframe for signing consent varies by state – but she cannot sign until 24-72 hours in most cases. This does not mean that they have to sign at that time, they can and should (in my opinion) take as long as they want – this is a huge decision and shouldn’t be made just because a clock says it should. Also, until she signs that consent all decisions about the baby belong to the birthmom. That means she makes all medical decisions and can decide she wants to keep the baby with her the whole time, she can decide when the adoptive parents can see the baby and if they can spend the night in the hospital with them. This is one of the hardest times for adoptive parents because that little baby that you’ve come to think of as ‘yours’ really isn’t yet. Legally the woman who just gave birth still has every right to that child, she has control and you don’t. (You would think that adoptive parents would be used to not having control because we have so little control during the entire process, but you never get used to that feeling!) But here’s my opinion on this timeframe: this time before she signs consent is a precious gift to the child. This is the time I imagine I will tell TLO about when she gets older. I will tell her about the first night of her life that she spent in the room with just her birthmom, the day we spent sharing the responsibility of caring for her; playing with her tiny toes and talking about her beautiful hair; the talks we had about careers, goals and life; and learning to love each other. I will be able to tell her how she held her one last time before we left the hospital and couldn’t take her eyes off of her. I will show her the pictures with loving arms wrapped around her and a face that both beams with love and is crushed with sadness. These are the just a few of the experiences I have to share because of this time we had together. We were very uncomfortable going in to this time, in fact ‘uncomfortable’ is an understatement. But I will be forever grateful for those precious hours.

     

     The state TLO was born in has a 72 hour wait before the birthmom can sign consent but she was discharged from the hospital at 48 hours. For that 24 hours she stayed with a very sweet family arranged through the agency, known as ‘cradle care’. This family welcomed us into their home whenever we wanted to be there and showered her with attention while we enjoyed 1 last night alone, got some sleep and frantically shopped for all the last minute things we forgot about. And approximately 72 hours after TLO came into the world we could officially call her ‘ours’!

Father God, thank You for putting me in a situation that made me uncomfortable. Thank You for giving me peace as we walked through a situation that we had no control over. You gave me a peace knowing that You were in control. Thank You for the sweet woman who chose life for her child and then chose us for her future. Thank You for this amazing child who is approaching 1 year old as she continues to help me grow! Amen.

Labor Pains and Real Parents

Okay, today I have another one of those "please bear with me, I just need to get it off my chest" posts. I was recently sitting with The Little One in a cafe when a random woman walks by and says "I think it's so cool you adopted. And think of all the things you didn't have to deal with like labor pains and recovery like a real mom would!"  Um, where do I even start with this?????

Let's start with the labor pains. No, I did not experience physical labor, didn't gain 15 lbs in water weight over 9 months and have my feet disappear below my stomach. I did not have contractions, I didn't have to push and I didn't have all the physical recovery that comes with passing a cantaloupe through a teeny-tiny opening. But let me tell you about the pain I did experience. Anyone who was working with me the day that TLO was born can verify that I most certainly experienced labor - it was just mental. Coming up with a last-minute plan of how to travel 1000 miles in a couple of hours along with all the "stuff" we had but hadn't yet got organized was crazy.  I nearly hyperventilated with my frantic breathing while walking up to a ticket agent and telling her "I'm having a baby in Phoenix and I need to get there as soon as possible!" and then pacing in an airport waiting alone for my flight to get to my sweet daughter. And then, after years of waiting to have  a family with my husband I was alone in an airport when I got the call that our baby was born - she was only a few hours away from me at that point, but my husband was still about 15 hours away! And my recovery...well, sometimes I still wonder if I've recovered! The utter shock, franticness and total disbelief in something so amazing happening in my life made it so difficult to recover. My 9 months of mental preparation were crammed into 2 1/2 very short weeks and that makes it very difficult to wrap your brain around what's happening. Couple that with sleep deprivation when she was little and I was trying to process all the changes and it's an even bigger challenge.  My heart still aches from the pain that another woman went through. I would go through any pain imaginable to have my daughter. Please don't ever say I didn't have pains with our daughter's birth.

And now, my soap box is getting a little bigger...I am a REAL mom lady. Let me pinch you and I'll show you just how real I am. I am the mother of this sweet child. I am the mother who cries when she cries, who holds her when she's scared or hurting, I am the one who wipes her tears, knows every mark on her body and knows her favorite little tickle spot under her chin. I am so real and I am so her mom.

....stepping off the soapbox now...

Thank You Lord for giving me this child who has blessed me beyond imagine. Thank You for taking me through the adoption experience and making me the mother that I am. Please continue to help me with the ache for the sweet birthmother of our little one. Help me to heal as You help her continue healing. And God, please help me get the word out to erase the ignorance that exists in our world to let people know that adoptive parents are REAL parents and that the pain we experience is real, it's just different. Amen.

You Are Not Alone

My Little One turned 11 months old yesterday. 11 months! I can't believe we're already planning her first birthday party! But here's the crazy thing - a year ago we didn't even know about the little blessing who would soon come into our lives!

But with an 11 month old comes some not-so-fun problems - separation anxiety. Ugh. Just the simple act of setting her down elicits a crumpled face and tears. And Heaven forbid I leave the room once she's set down!   We're in the "pick me up and hold me, no put me down look at all those toys I want to play with, no pick me up" phase.  It's a frustrating stage (please Lord, let this just be a stage!) but one that I can sort of understand...sort of.

When I've been comforted in the arms of my Lord, held tightly and comforted to know He loves me, the last thing I want is to be left alone. I remember the times I have felt like God set me down after holding me in His arms. Times when He has stood me on my feet and says "it's okay, you'll be alright, you can walk now." How overwhelming that feeling is! How I have longed for the comfort and safety of being held in His arms! And the times I have sat with my own face crumpling and cried to be held again. But like my daughter, once I'm held I look and see the fun things I could be doing and want to get down and play on my own. But just like The Little One (TLO) and I have a compromise that I will hold her hand for a few minutes until she's ready to go play on her own, my God will hold me hand when I need it. He will hold it until I'm ready to walk on my own. Or in the words of the old song 

Hold my hand all the way 

Every hour, every day 

From here to the great unknown 

Take my hand 

Let me stand 

Where no one stands alone 

I try to reassure TLO that she will never be alone, that even if I leave the room or leave her with someone else I will always come back. I will always hold her hand. 

"...I am not alone, for my Father is with me." John 16:32

Lord, You have given me great blessings! You gave me such a beautiful little child who teaches me big lessons. thank You for holding my hand, for supporting me when I am weak and when I feel alone. TThank You for comforting me when I crumble under my fears and anxieties. Thank You for holding me in Your arms when I need it and holding my hand while I stand on my own feet. Thank You for reminding me that I am not alone. Give me the patience to provide similar comfort to my little one when she feels alone. Help me show her that she will never be alone. Amen

Love is Love

I have been thinking about this post for over a month and have struggled with how to write it. I came across another blog post this morning that gave me some insight, so here you go!  Bear with me for a little backstory...

     We recently went to Washington D.C. when my husband had a conference to attend. The Little One (TLO) and I decided to tag along so we could visit with family both before his conference and after. But this turned out to be one of the more challenging trips we have taken. Within the first 3 days of our trip TLO crawled off the bed in the hotel twice, which she had never done before and resulted in a frazzled mom and baby. She also is a horrible sleeper when in a hotel (I see you mommy and daddy, so that must mean I don't have to sleep!!!!) I spent our first night at the DC hotel bouncing her on the side of the bed and humming for almost an hour trying to be mindful of our hotel neighbors. At some point in the morning she ended up in bed with us and all my attempts to get her to take a nap later that morning were futile as well. Since TLO's dad was headed off to his meetings and it was just us alone in the big  city for 2 days, I ended up getting a pass for one of the hop-on-hop-off tour buses and we just rode around the city. She slept great on the bus in her stroller but woke up if we got off.

I got to see a few sights and hear a lot of information from the audio tour on the bus, but all the things I thought we might get to visit didn't really happen. We did this for 2 days and it worked as well as it could.  But considering how hot it was it was, I was exhausted after wrestling her for 2 days through a hot city with little sleep. I was beaten down, worn out and questioning my sanity. And then we had the best dinner ever! Yes, that's right, it was a dinner that changed my whole trip and my whole perspective!

     We left our hotel and walked to a restaurant a few blocks away. While I was putting our name in for a table and trying to get the stroller stashed away in a coat closet, my husband was getting eyed by a couple of ladies at the bar. Well, technically it was TLO being eyed by the ladies, but he was holding her! As the host tried to take us to the table the ladies stopped me and asked to bring her closer so they could see her.  This sounds weird, but we rarely go out to eat without being stopped and told how adorable she is, so we're kind of used to it! She was oooh'd and awwww'd over her and then we went to our table. Dinner was nice, but TLO was tired and about ready for bed so she wasn't at her best. But as we started to leave the same ladies were still at the bar and waved us over again. One of the ladies said she teaches dance and would we please bring her to her mommy and me dance class?  We told them we were visiting from out of state, but thanks for the offer. And then it happened. The 2 minute exchange that made all of the frustration, exhaustion and stress from the previous days disappear. One of them said to us "thank you so much for going across the racial lines to adopt! I had a rough home life and would have given anything to have had 2 loving parents of any color instead of the situation I had.  You can tell she is happy and healthy and that you are too!"  This meant so much to me to hear this.  In our everyday life I rarely think about how we look as a family. But while we were in DC where there was a larger African-American population I felt the looks we were getting while walking down the street.

All 3 of us at Mount Vernon

Sometimes it was just a puzzled look, often it was just smiles at something TLO was doing, but sometimes I had felt judged. Sometimes I could almost hear the thought "why do they have a black child? That child should be with a black family who can teach her about her heritage and how to be a strong black woman." It's probably just my own insecurities that make me hear those things but I want to be honest about how I was feeling. But here we were in a restaurant with 2 African-American women telling us that they admired us for what we were doing.  So there I stood with tears in my eyes as they told me "keep doing what you're doing. She is beautiful, I can tell you spend time taking care of her hair which is important. Give her education and opportunities to explore all her talents. Give her all life has to offer. But most importantly, give her love. Love is love, no matter the color."
We left the restaurant that night standing a little taller, with tears in our eyes and smiles on our faces. We left there and said "that just made my week."  That night in the hotel even seemed to go a little better.  TLO probably didn't sleep any better than she had been, but I felt like I had a little more energy to deal with it.  We've been told similar things before, but there was a difference.  Usually when we're told that someone admires us for adopting transracially it's either by a friend or by someone who is white. So I guess I tend to brush those comments off.  But having someone I didn't know who was black tell me such things just made me melt. It was like all my insecure thoughts got a whole lot smaller. Those thoughts were being fought with positive affirmations. And as little Noah reminded me in this article, Martin Luther King, Jr told us "it's the content of your character that matters, not the color of your skin."  Or perhaps in our case, "it's the content of your parenting that matters, not the color of your skin."

     So to the 2 women at a restaurant bar in Washington DC, I'd like to say "thank you." Thank you for helping me work on my insecurities. Thank you for letting me know how you feel so I don't make up my own interpretations of what you're thinking about us when you look at us.  Thank you for giving me positive affirmations and your endorsement.  And thank you for giving me a little extra energy that night to get through the rest of our trip.  Sometimes God answers our prayers in ways we wouldn't expect.  That very morning, according to my journal I had prayed "please Lord, give me a reprieve today. Help me to find a way to enjoy this day in spite of my fatigue and the heat and a cranky baby. Remind me God that I want to help this child see sights across the world and that this trip is just one of many.  Lift me up Lord, lift my spirits and my heart and help me to see You."  I never would have imagined that the answer to my prayer would come from 2 women at a bar, but it did!

     I had been wondering how to write about this experience when I came across this blog post by Shaun Groves this morning. The verse he shared hit home "I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better." -Ephesians 1:17.  On that day God blessed me with the Spirit of wisdom and revelation and I came to know Him better.  What have you been praying for recently?  What lessons have you learned?  Are you praying about your insecurities?

Lord, thank You for accepting me as I am with all my insecurities and flaws. Thank You for giving me wisdom when I need it. I am but a flawed human and know that I will continue to struggle with these insecurities, but help me God to turn to You for a reminder. Amen.