Looking Like Your Father

Has it really been a year since I blogged last?????? I've got some lost time to make up for! I have some adoption related posts in my head but there's a new theme coming as well...stay tuned!

One of the things many adoptees face as they get older is the fact they don't look like their parents or anyone else in their family. They may wonder why their teeth are a certain way or "where did this hair come from". And to be honest, sometimes as an adoptive mom I look at my child and want to see pieces of myself in them as well. I often get told TD (The Daughter) has my eyes...well, she has very dark brown eyes and so do I. But they look totally different. When get us down in the floor acting silly, those silly faces she's making - those are MY silly faces! She can scrunch her nose up like me, make a duck face like me and smile like me. Yes, those are the tangible ways I can see her in me.
Last month I heard a sermon about how we should look like our Father, how the world should see Christ in us. And I realized that those little things I look for in TD and TS (The Son) don't matter at all. They can have whatever nose they've been given, a natural mohawk full of curls (seriously, TS has this!) and the beautiful eyes they both have; but what I want others to say they see in them is the heart of my Father, the love of a God who sent his son to save the world, the sacrifice of a Christ who gave his own life. I want you to look at me and at my children and say "wow! You look just like your Father!" Is there really any better compliment?

Who or what do your children look like?

Photo credit: Allison Harms Photography

"So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them"

Genesis 1:27

Lord God, You created me in Your image, and my children too. You know us intimately - every birthmark, hangnail and scar. You made us perfectly imperfect. The beautiful children You have blessed me with take my breath away sometimes - the curls, the smiles, the twinkle in their eyes. I am amazed. You are awesome God. Please help me to reflect Your love and to mold my children into an even more beautiful reflection of You. Amen.

The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth

This is a little disjointed and rambling. I'm sorry! It's where I am in my thought process right now.

When I first started this blog I wanted to be honest about what being a family is like, whether the family looks like mine or not. But making that commitment is hard. Sometimes I don't want to be honest. I want to say "I prayed for this family. God gave me this family. Everything is perfect!" But here's the truth: this is hard and I've been struggling. I've struggled with depression for most of my life but have had it under control for quite some time. But I can almost plan on some of those feelings creeping back into my life in January and lasting until around March every year. (Maybe I need to head south for the winter?) This year was different. I was so focused on our family in January with trying to get The Son (TS) to eat better and gain weight and to get The Daughter (TD) adjusted to being a big sister, potty training and moving to a big girl bed. I was so focused and thought "surely I don't have time to be depressed! I've got the family I've always wanted so I can't be depressed!" But here's the thing, depression doesn't care about that. No, depression doesn't discriminate.

After spending 4 weeks away from home while adopting TS and getting through his NICU stay I remember telling my husband that we probably wouldn't know the toll that 4 weeks of stress would take on my overall health for a while. Well, I'm finding that out. For the last 3 1/2 months I spent 27 days away from home with TS in the NICU for most of that and also got sick myself and then came home to a 2 year old who really needed my attention and a newborn who really needed to gain weight but struggled to eat. TS continued to have trouble eating through the holidays when we traveled for a week and half and continued to eat every 3 hours but throw up each time for a few more weeks before we found the right formula for him. The only 2 nights I've had more than 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep in that length of time was when I had migraines, which I had 2 of in just a few weeks time. I had been steadily losing weight while following a plan with Isagenix products but having your sleep interrupted every 1-2 hours to comfort a baby throws your body into a state of confusion and my weight loss has stopped. And can we just talk about the crazy effects of sleep deprivation?????? No wonder that's a form of torture!

That's all the physical stuff, but if you've never had your whole life interrupted and turned upside down in an instant then you might not be able to understand what I'm about to say. Becoming an instant parent is hard. Yes, I was already a mom, but suddenly I was a mom of 2 with no warning. I was the mom of a preemie whose future was a huge unknown. I left my daughter at home and was handed a tiny little boy and was told he was my son. I was told to love him and nurture him. Ok, I did that. How could I not do that? But in a world where most instant things make life easy, becoming an instant parent is not. I like to plan, actually to over-plan and make lists. I wanted to have a room ready for a baby when we brought one home but the room was still our guest bedroom with lots of stuff in it. I wanted to go shopping for him and have a closet full of clothes and toys for him but instead I was buying clothes for him him as we went. I wanted it to be perfect when we brought him home but instead my husband and I were traveling separately and TD was sick when we got home. Is our sweet boy everything I had prayed for? Yes! Was the process to bring him home stressful and just not the picture perfect process I had in my dreams? Yes! Add in the emotions I've been feeling for his birthmom (love, sadness, grief, a little bit of anger and confusion) and I've just been a wreck.

Moms who deliver a baby are given a post-partum period that it is allowed and understood when they have crazy emotions. Adoption is different. My emotions aren't from a flood of hormones but from a flood of experiences. There is the feeling of not being allowed to complain about the same things because I made this happen. I know that's totally unrealistic but it's really the thought I kept having. And so, after weeks of trying to just make things work every day and keep a busy toddler happy while trying to get a fussy newborn to eat and letting the house just kind of fall apart, I did the same thing. 2 weeks ago I fell apart. I cried and cried and cried and then when I think I'm done crying those evil "Thanks Mom!" Olympic commercials come on and make me cry some more!

Don't worry, that's not where I'm at today. I have some great friends who have allowed me to come vent and help me out, an amazingly supportive group of adoptive moms who told me "I felt like that!!!!!"  and have supported me and a husband who is doing his best to help me in so many ways when he probably wants to run away from me! I'm getting great nutrition through my Isagenix products which I know is key to emotional and physical health. And slowly but surely we're getting TS to sleep a little longer at night which makes a huge difference.

If you've experienced any of these things and are feeling overwhelmed, depressed, sad or just confused, you are not alone. It will get better! Reach out to others for help - it's okay to ask for help!

So that's the end of my ramble for tonight. Adoption is hard. Motherhood is hard. Marriage is hard. Life is hard. But each one is so worth it!

Lord, You have blessed me and blessed me. You have trusted me with the gift of a child. I don't have enough words to explain the love I have for him. Thank You for continuing to have Your hand of comfort on my family and for allowing me to have supportive people in my life to help when times are crazy. But Lord I ask that You continue to help me feel stronger and more stable. I ask You to keep helping our little guy grow and develop like we know he can. Amen.

What A Difference A Month Makes!

I've had a lot of questions about our current adoption process so this seems like the easiest way to address them all. I've struggled with how much to share openly and decided that honesty is the best policy! There will always be parts of our children's stories that are private though.

Pumpkin Patch time!

4 weeks ago I was preparing for family to come visit us for our daughter's birthday. I was preparing to have a birthday party and mentally preparing myself to have a 2 year old. The birthday came and went with the party planned 2 days later. October 25th we got a phone call that will forever change our lives. We got a phone call about a tiny little boy sitting in a NICU alone in Florida. We had asked to be presented to this boy's birthmom when his due date was mid to late November, and then when we found out he was born on October 20th, almost 5 weeks early we still said "yes!" to being presented. It seemed to weird to know there was a child waiting for his family and we felt very strongly that this was our son. We even started making our "what if" plans for child care and travel. But the next day we found out another family was chosen. We grieved as we had before and moved on, still preparing for the birthday party. October 25th after enjoying an outing to the pumpkin patch with family I got THE call.
"The original family has decided they aren't able to continue and he still needs a family. Are you still interested?" Wow. We found out a little more information about this little guy, such as the fact that his birthmom had used illicit drugs during the pregnancy that hadn't previously been disclosed and he was going through withdrawals and he was considered to have "mild" microcephaly (small head size). We were told to expect him to be in the NICU for 4-5 weeks plus we would then have to wait out the state clearances. I did some quick research and we discussed it some more. Finally I went to my wonderful husband seeking answers. He told me the one sentence I needed to hear: "If we had been selected originally and then found out these things it wouldn't have changed our decision so why should it change it now?" See why I love him!? All we knew was this boy's birthmom had already terminated her rights and he was alone. So let the whirlwind begin!

2nd birthday!

We enjoyed the next day (Saturday) with family and celebrated The Little One's 2nd birthday while trying to let her know about her new baby brother. The next day we went to church where the only thing I remember was holding my baby girl tight with tears streaming down my face as we sang "10,000 reasons." I remember feeling like I had so many more reasons than 10,000 to be singing and yet I could not imagine being away from my sweet girl for 5 weeks. How could I do this? How could I sacrifice 5 weeks of the life of my 2 year old? It honestly seemed unimaginable. But our families and friends have come through to help make things good for her. And after worshiping with our church family my in-laws took me to the airport as they headed home. As they dropped me off and prayed for our journey my father-in-law simply said "the only way this can happen is from God!" And yes, that's so true. My God is the ultimate completer of my story!



Sometime around 10pm on October 27th I was able to meet and hold my son for the very first time and celebrate him turning 1 week old. Much of that night was a blur as I stayed in his room. One of the few

things I remember was that when I arrived they told me that was his worst day of withdrawal and his respiratory rate was 70-80 most of the day when normal is 30-60 for a newborn. But around 6am when that nurse was about to go off duty and remarked "his respiratory rate has been normal since you got here!" We are not meant to be alone. We are not meant to go through our struggles in life alone, especially when you start life so little! From that day on he started gaining weight and his withdrawal effects decreased. Even when the doctor told me the first time he talked to me that we would be there at least 4 weeks and maybe 5, I told him "you've got 3, that's all he's going to need."
I got to fly to meet our boy but my husband made the long trek in the car, just like he did when our daughter was born. He spent 18 hours driving and finally got to hold him on Oct 29th. But after 6 days he had to return home, back to work and back to our daughter. Over the next couple of weeks a couple of family members were able to come visit and love on our boy with me. And I was grateful for the love! We met other families who were also adopting babies and were also staying at the Ronald McDonald House and that was such a nice thing to have others to who understood what the journey was like.

I'll spare you all the day by day details, party because one day blurs into all the rest! But here we are 3 weeks from the day I first cried about leaving my daughter (henceforth to be know as "The Daughter"!) and the day I first met my son. He has been out of the hospital now for 3 days and is

doing great! When we were discharged he weighed just over 5 pounds, so we are hoping for a few ounces of gain tomorrow when we have a pediatrician appointment.
Tomorrow we will meet with The Son's birthmom one last time. For those of you who have never had an experience like that I can only tell you that there is no way to describe the emotions.  The day after that we are heading towards the state line, but can't actually leave the state until both the state of Florida and our home state approve us. And while a family member has offered us an awesome beach-front condo and I will thoroughly enjoy some time with my toes in the sand I pray that I won't have much time to get attached to it!

We don't know what the future holds for The Son (TS) but we know who holds our future! We know the difference that a life of love, attention, nurturing and good nutrition can make in the life of a child. And we pray that his life will be a testament over triumphing evil in life with good!

If you are reading this and considering adoption, please contact me at Lana@christianadoptionconsultants.com and let me help you begin your story! We have been blessed twice now through the services of Christian Adoption Consultants and I'm blessed to be able to work for them!

Lord, there are no words. There simply aren't. Everything is inadequate to describe our thankfulness, our blessings and our love. But we know that You have authored our story and look forward to the next several chapters. We ask You Lord to make our journey home a quick one so we can be united as one family. We ask You to give our son the healing he needs to completely conquer whatever medical issues may arise. And we ask You to give us the knowledge and understanding to be able to deal what whatever our future holds. Thank You!!!! Amen.

Just Be a "Yes!"

Many of you reading this may not know that we are in the process of adopting again. We have completed our homestudy and are praying and waiting to be matched with the baby God has planned for our family. For the record, The Little One (TLO - I'm going to have to change her blog name soon, huh?) wants a baby brother and his name will be "Two".  ☺

I remember after we brought TLO home how so many people told me about how lucky I was to not have to got through labor or pregnancy (please don't ever say that to ANYONE!) and how nothing about what we'd gone through had felt easy or lucky. The only easy part was that our wait was short, but that didn't mean that our hearts were any less torn apart by the situation or that I didn't spend months thinking about a special woman so far away from me and how she must be feeling. But now we've spent the past few weeks requesting for our profile to be shown to various expectant mothers who are making their adoption plan. There is nothing easy about this process. I am heartbroken. My insides feel like they are being torn apart each time I read the story of an expectant mother. Finally Mark and I talked about it this week and said we are reading real life situations that most people in our circle of friends and family will never connect with. I told him that I wondered what it was like to be one of these women who have only had people say "yes" to them when they wanted sex or to sell them drugs or abuse them. What is it like to have your parents kick you out at 16 or for your parents to die of their drug addiction when you were a teenager? What is it like to have 4 kids by the time you're 20 and find yourself pregnant again and know no other life because it's the same thing your mom did? What is it like to be sexually abused by every male family member you knew and then to go on and continue to have men use you for sex instead of being truly loved? What is it like to have all of your kids taken away from you one by one by child protective services because you aren't able to take care of them because your parents couldn't take care of you? What is it like to...? What is it like?

I don't know what that's like. I don't know what any of those situations are like so it's not my place to judge them. I do know that it's my place to love them. I know that it's my place to be one more "yes" in their life by telling them we would love to be bound to you as family by adopting your child. We will pray for you and not abuse you. We will love you and not abuse you. We will love your child and provide a different life for them. We will break the cycle. We have said "yes" to several situations so far and have heard back "no".  And that's ok. Because I know that God has a plan for us, for a special woman, for a special child and for our family. 

Not every woman who makes an adoption plan for a child is in these circumstances, but they are each at a crucial point in their life. And the stories I read of these circumstances are the ones that make my "Yes!" even louder. The stories I read make the stress we feel from trying to make sure we have enough money saved to cover our adoption expenses seem ridiculous.

So I ask you today to pray for us as we wait for our "yes", but more importantly to pray for the women making the decision today to say "yes" to a life and trying to make the best decision they can for a child. 

Lord, I come to You with a broken heart. A heart not broken by my own circumstances because I know  You are using my circumstances to help others. My heart is broken by the stories of the lives I have been reading about. The stories of women trying to do the best thing they know to do for an unborn child. My heart hurts for the pain many of them have gone through in their lives and I long for them to be able to know peace and love and joy. Father, give them a peace that only You can. Allow them to know that they can be loved without abuse and find peace without a drug. Give them the wisdom they need to choose the parents and the life they want for their child. 

And Lord, selfishly I ask that You bless us with another child for our family. We pray each day for the birthmother of TLO and would love to have another extended family member to pray for with our children. But more importantly, please give us the strength and patience to wait for our "yes". You blessed us more than we could have imagined by bringing TLO into our lives and we can't thank You enough! But I will say it again...thank You!  Amen.

If YOU want to be the "yes" to one of these women through adoption, I can help you! Email me at lana@christianadoptionconsultants.com and I can help you start your journey! 

Feeling Your Presence

Lately The Little One (TLO) has been waking up screaming in the middle of the night at least a couple of nights a week. I'm assuming it's the start of nightmares but really have no idea. All I know is that the only thing that helps is to stand at her bedside with my hand on her back until she's asleep again. Sometimes it only takes a couple of minutes, other times it's 10. Unfortunately I'm short and her crib mattress is in the lowest setting. That means I can only reach her comfortably if she's up next to the edge. Sometimes I try to sneak out after a couple of minutes but inevitably the screaming starts back. I had no idea that just my touch, my presence mattered so much. I'm not patting her, I'm not talking to her, I'm not singing to her...just being present. 

One night as my back was hurting from stretching into her crib for what seemed like an eternity but was probably only a few minutes, I realized that I'm not much different than TLO. I realized how much I long for my Fathers presence too. Sometimes I don't need to hear His plan for me. I don't need to hear His comforting words. I just need to know He's near. Sometimes His nearness is reflected just through His words from centuries ago as I read my Bible. Sometimes I see His presence through the world around me - the rainbow after a storm, the butterfly that lands on my hand or the people in my life. And then there's the times when I've been in a dark place that the perfect song comes on the radio and I can feel His hand reaching out to comfort me. His hand, resting on my back...just being present. 

Matthew 28:20 "...And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Thank You Father for always being near me. Thank You for the heavy hand on me when I need to feel you most. I may have times I feel alone and am screaming in a dark room but I know that You are right beside me. You will comfort me when I need it, give me space to grow on my own when I can and have placed others in my life to hold my hand when life is the hardest. Thank You for the honor of allowing me to be the one who gets to stretch into a crib and comfort my sweet child. Next time i will remind myself that I prayed for this! Amen. 

This Is My Prayer

The Little One (TLO) Is almost 21 months old. This is such a crazy time of learning and I'm so amazed at what her little spongy brain can absorb. But the truth is, this is also an educational time for Mommy. She's been full of lessons for me lately. So expect several posts in the next couple of weeks!

We pray at various times throughout the day as a family, but primarily it's at mealtime and bedtime. For a while now TLO has enjoyed saying the "Amen!" at the end of our prayers, but a few weeks ago I started letting her help me say the prayer. I say "Dear God, thank You for..." and she says something, I repeat "thank You for..." We do this a few times until things either start getting repeated or a little too ridiculous. My personal favorites from last week that she wanted to thank God for were toes, doors, jammies, spoon and rock. It's always funny to see what's on her mind during prayer time because that's what comes out - just saw cows? Thank You for cows! Really want my paci but mommy won't give it to me yet? Thank You for paci! Just tickled her toes? Thank You for toes!

But my favorite thing is that she prays while she's playing. She puts a plate and spoon on ottoman and then folds her hands and says "Dear God...(mumble, mumble)....food...(mumble, mumble)....amen!" This seriously happens at least 10 times a day! Or if we start to eat a meal and haven't prayed she reminds us to. Perhaps she is just living out 1 Thessalonians 5:17 and praying continually. 

I love that she has seen prayer modeled enough in her life to want to do it herself, but last week I started wondering about my own prayer life. I mean, I don't stop to pray 10 times a day! I pray with her at least twice a day, but those are intentional and childish for her benefit. What would happen in my life if I prayed 10 times  day? What would happen if I prayed intentionally on a deeper level? What would my life be like if I lived a 1 Thessalonians 5:17 life? Sure, she's seeing prayer modeled. But what kind of model am I being? Am I setting aside time to devote just to prayer? Am I mumbling my own way through a prayer, not offering God my true needs, desires and gratitude? Is that all God hears from me? Mumble, mumble, mumble? Is that all He hears when I want Him to hear me say:

 "Lord, You made such a sacrifice for me.  You did something for me that I really can't even fathom. I'm beyond grateful and yet so sorry.  I'm so sorry that I fail to meet your expectations ever day. I struggle daily with temptation. I struggle with my own agenda. But I am grateful in a way that I can't begin to express. I'm grateful for the struggles You help me overcome, for the trials You have helped me weather, for the strength you continue to bless me with. I am soooo grateful for this child You have blessed me with who through such a short life has already helped me grown in my faith and teaches me lessons daily when I should be doing that for her. And because it makes me smile every time TLO says it, I want to say it too...thank You for her toes! :) Amen. 

We fit, I Promise!

After reading this article Virginia Parents Outraged After Walmart Security Allegedly Suspected Father Of Kidnapping Biracial Daughters tonight I hate to confess that I have a fear of this happening. 99% of the time my daughter is just my daughter, but there is a small amount of time that I feel very vulnerable. Unfortunately, as my daughter approaches the terrible two's and starts throwing tantrums and yelling things inappropriately I'm afraid that amount of time may be increasing. Just this evening we were at WalMart walking through the clothing section. The Little One (TLO) wants to reach out and touch every piece of clothing, as most kids do. I've been repeating to her "don't touch" and now she says that when she knows she's not supposed to touch something (but usually touches it anyway!) So tonight as we're going through the store with TLO sitting in the cart I had told her "don't touch" and she started saying it over and over and over. As she repeated it she got louder and Louder and LOUDER!!!! Eventually she was slinging her arms and head back and forth yelling "DON'T TOUCH! DON'T TOUCH!" As I distracted her by quickly handing her a snack-trap filled with Cheese-Its I glanced around and noticed at least 5 different people looking at us. Don't get me wrong, if I heard a child yelling that I would be checking out what was going on too! But what if someone mistook the situation? Or what if it was my husband that this happened to?  Or then there's this situation White Grandfather Detained While Walking With Black Granddaughter: Scott Henson Cuffed By Texas Police  that makes me a little scared too. At this point, I have to admit that when we get attention when we're out and about I know that it's just because TLO draws people in. She will look at you, smile at you or tell you "hi!" until you pay attention to her. But there is the terribly self-conscious part of me that has always tried to avoid excess attention that feeds into fears of the situations mentioned about.

If you have a family like ours, how do you face these fears? Is this a ridiculous fear?  If your family isn't like ours, if you saw a family of mixed races what would your first instinct be?  Regardless of what your family is like, what do you do when your kids scream inappropriate things at the top of their lungs in WalMart???????? :)

Thank You Lord for getting me out of my comfort zone. Thank You for blessing me with a child who keeps me on my toes. Thank You for giving her the ability to verbalize her actions and needs, no matter how inappropriate they might be! Please help me to remember to nurture those actions and not stifle them. Amen.

Accepted

The Little One (TLO) and I recently spent a few days with my parents in Missouri and on the way back home we stopped at the mall. We stopped at the mall to return a dress and eat lunch at the food court. So we got our food at Chick-Fil-A and sat down at a table. As we usually do, we had some serious conversation while we ate...in the form of "I see you" through the clear lid of the fruit cup! :) When we almost done I saw someone walking towards us from Burger King.

My princess!!!!!

A sweet young lady handed TLO a Burger King crown and said she was so cute she should have a tiara! We both smiled at it and said "thank you" and I noticed her hesitating. Then she quietly said she was on a short break and could she sit and talk to me for a minute. It felt a little awkward but I could see she really needed to talk so I said "sure!" The relief on her face was immediate as she pulled a chair over to our table. She asked if TLO was adopted and I said "yes". "I thought so," she said. And then, I listened. I listened as she told me her story of being raised in, and eventually aging out, of the foster care system. I listened as she told me how she found herself moved from one family to the next, sometimes with as many as 6 families a year. I listened as she described the feelings of loneliness and wanting to belong to a family. I listened as she told me that every single foster family she had been placed with through the years was white (and she was black). I listened as she confessed to me that she grew up never feeling accepted because she was the wrong color to be in each of these families and just longing to fully be accepted. I listened to her story of heart break. I listened...and my own heart broke for her. And then I listened as she told me her story of redemption. She started going to college and had a professor who became a mentor, invited her to church, and helped her get on her feet. She is now working part-time and going to school full-time and has plans for her future. She shared with me that she has finally found a family that accepts her regardless of her color - her church. Yes! God is good!

That precious young lady gave me a lot to think about on my 3 hour drive home that day. I thought about the fact that I had just spent 5 days with my parents and what it would be like to not have a family to visit. I thought about the fact that not a single person in our entire family has ever questioned the fact that TLO would not be fully accepted into the family even though she is black. I thought and I cried while I drove. I cried from heartbreak over the story I had just heard and then I cried because she was a survivor! I cried because Satan tried to keep her down and make her feel alone and unwanted but God won out and let her know she is His child and she has a father so much bigger and better than any one she could have ever had here on Earth. 

No one deserves to feel unaccepted in this world. No one deserves to be alone in this world. With God, you don't have to be alone. 

I don't have any big insights today, just wanted to share.  Red and yellow, black and white...they are precious in His sight! 

Thank You Lord for accepting me just as I am!  Thank You for accepting me even though I'm overweight, short, have a big mole on my nose, scars on my body and look ridiculous when I run. Thank you for the blessing of a family - both my physical one and my church one. Thank You for planting people in our lives to help me when I've needed it and for the people you placed in the life of this young lady to offer redemption! Amen.

Chosen

Photo courtesy of Allison Harms Photography

Last week I was at lunch with my parents and The Little One (TLO) when a kind, well-meaning stranger approached us. This lady was clearing tables in the restaurant and stopped by our table and said to TLO, "well aren't you just beautiful!?" At this I smiled, then she went on to look at me and ask "did you get to pick her?" Um, er, what? I held my smile and said "God picked her for us before she was ever born." She said she would pick her just for those eyelashes she has and that we were blessed, I agreed and she moved on. And then I looked at my dad and I'm pretty sure my jaw was on the table as I said "What????? Who asks that?????" My parents assured me that I was tactful in my response and that she meant well. I am very used to questions about adoption at this point, as well as comments about how beautiful TLO is and how social she is (see my post of last year : Home and Hope)  but this one bothered me. All kinds of mean statements came to my head, so God must have been with me to help me control my tongue! I felt seriously conflicted by this short and simple conversation, much more than I should have been. Just the word "pick" brought up all sorts of images of eeny-meeny-miney-moe or the dreaded school-yard pick which always leaves one child standing alone and embarrassed at the end. Perhaps it hit to close to home because it made me think about being picked. You see, I was picked. I was chosen by God. But I wasn't chosen because of my beauty because I have been clouded in ugly sin. I have done ugly things and I have said ugly things. I wasn't chosen because of my physical features because I am overweight in a body that sometimes fails me. I have graying hair. I have physical scars. But I was chosen. I was adopted. I was made beautiful in God's sight.

⁴ For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will -- ⁶ to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. Ephesians 1:4-6

What a joy to know that God doesn't see my ugliness, my scars or my weight! I am holy and blameless! I am His daughter! There is a beautiful song by Gungor playing on Christian radio stations now (and is a favorite on my iPod!). The lyrics are very simple, repeating over and over throughout the song. In fact, there's not a lot else to the song other than a few lines, but are more words needed when these are so powerful?

"You make beautiful things. You make beautiful things out of the dust. You make beautiful things. You make beautiful things out of us"

God takes the lowest of the low, the dirtiest of the dirty and makes such beautiful things. God takes us, whether rich or poor, athletic or handicapped, fat or thin and makes something beautiful. God picked me. God picked you.
My lesson has been learned.

Thank You Father for picking me just as I was, just as I am every day. Thank You for choosing me in my ugliness and in my sin. Thank You for making me beautiful. Thank You for giving me the words I need to express Your love and Your hand in my life instead of allowing my own tongue to spew spiteful words. Thank You for adopting me and for choosing the sweet, beautiful child You have blessed my life with! Amen.

Questions, Comfort and Control

How is it possible that our little pumpkin is almost one?????

     We’ve often been asked about our experience when The Little One was born – what was it like in the hospital? When did we ‘get’ her? Did her birthmom see her? Did we ‘let’ her see her?  So as we approach TLO’s 1^st birthday I wanted to share a little about what the adoption experience can be like in the hospital to help others understand. This was what it was like for us and it’s important to realize that every adoption is different.  This is also a lot of my opinion and others may not agree, and that’s okay too!

     First, it’s important to note that nothing ‘officially’ happens with the adoption until the birthmom signs consent to terminate parental rights. The timeframe for signing consent varies by state – but she cannot sign until 24-72 hours in most cases. This does not mean that they have to sign at that time, they can and should (in my opinion) take as long as they want – this is a huge decision and shouldn’t be made just because a clock says it should. Also, until she signs that consent all decisions about the baby belong to the birthmom. That means she makes all medical decisions and can decide she wants to keep the baby with her the whole time, she can decide when the adoptive parents can see the baby and if they can spend the night in the hospital with them. This is one of the hardest times for adoptive parents because that little baby that you’ve come to think of as ‘yours’ really isn’t yet. Legally the woman who just gave birth still has every right to that child, she has control and you don’t. (You would think that adoptive parents would be used to not having control because we have so little control during the entire process, but you never get used to that feeling!) But here’s my opinion on this timeframe: this time before she signs consent is a precious gift to the child. This is the time I imagine I will tell TLO about when she gets older. I will tell her about the first night of her life that she spent in the room with just her birthmom, the day we spent sharing the responsibility of caring for her; playing with her tiny toes and talking about her beautiful hair; the talks we had about careers, goals and life; and learning to love each other. I will be able to tell her how she held her one last time before we left the hospital and couldn’t take her eyes off of her. I will show her the pictures with loving arms wrapped around her and a face that both beams with love and is crushed with sadness. These are the just a few of the experiences I have to share because of this time we had together. We were very uncomfortable going in to this time, in fact ‘uncomfortable’ is an understatement. But I will be forever grateful for those precious hours.

     

     The state TLO was born in has a 72 hour wait before the birthmom can sign consent but she was discharged from the hospital at 48 hours. For that 24 hours she stayed with a very sweet family arranged through the agency, known as ‘cradle care’. This family welcomed us into their home whenever we wanted to be there and showered her with attention while we enjoyed 1 last night alone, got some sleep and frantically shopped for all the last minute things we forgot about. And approximately 72 hours after TLO came into the world we could officially call her ‘ours’!

Father God, thank You for putting me in a situation that made me uncomfortable. Thank You for giving me peace as we walked through a situation that we had no control over. You gave me a peace knowing that You were in control. Thank You for the sweet woman who chose life for her child and then chose us for her future. Thank You for this amazing child who is approaching 1 year old as she continues to help me grow! Amen.

Labor Pains and Real Parents

Okay, today I have another one of those "please bear with me, I just need to get it off my chest" posts. I was recently sitting with The Little One in a cafe when a random woman walks by and says "I think it's so cool you adopted. And think of all the things you didn't have to deal with like labor pains and recovery like a real mom would!"  Um, where do I even start with this?????

Let's start with the labor pains. No, I did not experience physical labor, didn't gain 15 lbs in water weight over 9 months and have my feet disappear below my stomach. I did not have contractions, I didn't have to push and I didn't have all the physical recovery that comes with passing a cantaloupe through a teeny-tiny opening. But let me tell you about the pain I did experience. Anyone who was working with me the day that TLO was born can verify that I most certainly experienced labor - it was just mental. Coming up with a last-minute plan of how to travel 1000 miles in a couple of hours along with all the "stuff" we had but hadn't yet got organized was crazy.  I nearly hyperventilated with my frantic breathing while walking up to a ticket agent and telling her "I'm having a baby in Phoenix and I need to get there as soon as possible!" and then pacing in an airport waiting alone for my flight to get to my sweet daughter. And then, after years of waiting to have  a family with my husband I was alone in an airport when I got the call that our baby was born - she was only a few hours away from me at that point, but my husband was still about 15 hours away! And my recovery...well, sometimes I still wonder if I've recovered! The utter shock, franticness and total disbelief in something so amazing happening in my life made it so difficult to recover. My 9 months of mental preparation were crammed into 2 1/2 very short weeks and that makes it very difficult to wrap your brain around what's happening. Couple that with sleep deprivation when she was little and I was trying to process all the changes and it's an even bigger challenge.  My heart still aches from the pain that another woman went through. I would go through any pain imaginable to have my daughter. Please don't ever say I didn't have pains with our daughter's birth.

And now, my soap box is getting a little bigger...I am a REAL mom lady. Let me pinch you and I'll show you just how real I am. I am the mother of this sweet child. I am the mother who cries when she cries, who holds her when she's scared or hurting, I am the one who wipes her tears, knows every mark on her body and knows her favorite little tickle spot under her chin. I am so real and I am so her mom.

....stepping off the soapbox now...

Thank You Lord for giving me this child who has blessed me beyond imagine. Thank You for taking me through the adoption experience and making me the mother that I am. Please continue to help me with the ache for the sweet birthmother of our little one. Help me to heal as You help her continue healing. And God, please help me get the word out to erase the ignorance that exists in our world to let people know that adoptive parents are REAL parents and that the pain we experience is real, it's just different. Amen.

Love is Love

I have been thinking about this post for over a month and have struggled with how to write it. I came across another blog post this morning that gave me some insight, so here you go!  Bear with me for a little backstory...

     We recently went to Washington D.C. when my husband had a conference to attend. The Little One (TLO) and I decided to tag along so we could visit with family both before his conference and after. But this turned out to be one of the more challenging trips we have taken. Within the first 3 days of our trip TLO crawled off the bed in the hotel twice, which she had never done before and resulted in a frazzled mom and baby. She also is a horrible sleeper when in a hotel (I see you mommy and daddy, so that must mean I don't have to sleep!!!!) I spent our first night at the DC hotel bouncing her on the side of the bed and humming for almost an hour trying to be mindful of our hotel neighbors. At some point in the morning she ended up in bed with us and all my attempts to get her to take a nap later that morning were futile as well. Since TLO's dad was headed off to his meetings and it was just us alone in the big  city for 2 days, I ended up getting a pass for one of the hop-on-hop-off tour buses and we just rode around the city. She slept great on the bus in her stroller but woke up if we got off.

I got to see a few sights and hear a lot of information from the audio tour on the bus, but all the things I thought we might get to visit didn't really happen. We did this for 2 days and it worked as well as it could.  But considering how hot it was it was, I was exhausted after wrestling her for 2 days through a hot city with little sleep. I was beaten down, worn out and questioning my sanity. And then we had the best dinner ever! Yes, that's right, it was a dinner that changed my whole trip and my whole perspective!

     We left our hotel and walked to a restaurant a few blocks away. While I was putting our name in for a table and trying to get the stroller stashed away in a coat closet, my husband was getting eyed by a couple of ladies at the bar. Well, technically it was TLO being eyed by the ladies, but he was holding her! As the host tried to take us to the table the ladies stopped me and asked to bring her closer so they could see her.  This sounds weird, but we rarely go out to eat without being stopped and told how adorable she is, so we're kind of used to it! She was oooh'd and awwww'd over her and then we went to our table. Dinner was nice, but TLO was tired and about ready for bed so she wasn't at her best. But as we started to leave the same ladies were still at the bar and waved us over again. One of the ladies said she teaches dance and would we please bring her to her mommy and me dance class?  We told them we were visiting from out of state, but thanks for the offer. And then it happened. The 2 minute exchange that made all of the frustration, exhaustion and stress from the previous days disappear. One of them said to us "thank you so much for going across the racial lines to adopt! I had a rough home life and would have given anything to have had 2 loving parents of any color instead of the situation I had.  You can tell she is happy and healthy and that you are too!"  This meant so much to me to hear this.  In our everyday life I rarely think about how we look as a family. But while we were in DC where there was a larger African-American population I felt the looks we were getting while walking down the street.

All 3 of us at Mount Vernon

Sometimes it was just a puzzled look, often it was just smiles at something TLO was doing, but sometimes I had felt judged. Sometimes I could almost hear the thought "why do they have a black child? That child should be with a black family who can teach her about her heritage and how to be a strong black woman." It's probably just my own insecurities that make me hear those things but I want to be honest about how I was feeling. But here we were in a restaurant with 2 African-American women telling us that they admired us for what we were doing.  So there I stood with tears in my eyes as they told me "keep doing what you're doing. She is beautiful, I can tell you spend time taking care of her hair which is important. Give her education and opportunities to explore all her talents. Give her all life has to offer. But most importantly, give her love. Love is love, no matter the color."
We left the restaurant that night standing a little taller, with tears in our eyes and smiles on our faces. We left there and said "that just made my week."  That night in the hotel even seemed to go a little better.  TLO probably didn't sleep any better than she had been, but I felt like I had a little more energy to deal with it.  We've been told similar things before, but there was a difference.  Usually when we're told that someone admires us for adopting transracially it's either by a friend or by someone who is white. So I guess I tend to brush those comments off.  But having someone I didn't know who was black tell me such things just made me melt. It was like all my insecure thoughts got a whole lot smaller. Those thoughts were being fought with positive affirmations. And as little Noah reminded me in this article, Martin Luther King, Jr told us "it's the content of your character that matters, not the color of your skin."  Or perhaps in our case, "it's the content of your parenting that matters, not the color of your skin."

     So to the 2 women at a restaurant bar in Washington DC, I'd like to say "thank you." Thank you for helping me work on my insecurities. Thank you for letting me know how you feel so I don't make up my own interpretations of what you're thinking about us when you look at us.  Thank you for giving me positive affirmations and your endorsement.  And thank you for giving me a little extra energy that night to get through the rest of our trip.  Sometimes God answers our prayers in ways we wouldn't expect.  That very morning, according to my journal I had prayed "please Lord, give me a reprieve today. Help me to find a way to enjoy this day in spite of my fatigue and the heat and a cranky baby. Remind me God that I want to help this child see sights across the world and that this trip is just one of many.  Lift me up Lord, lift my spirits and my heart and help me to see You."  I never would have imagined that the answer to my prayer would come from 2 women at a bar, but it did!

     I had been wondering how to write about this experience when I came across this blog post by Shaun Groves this morning. The verse he shared hit home "I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better." -Ephesians 1:17.  On that day God blessed me with the Spirit of wisdom and revelation and I came to know Him better.  What have you been praying for recently?  What lessons have you learned?  Are you praying about your insecurities?

Lord, thank You for accepting me as I am with all my insecurities and flaws. Thank You for giving me wisdom when I need it. I am but a flawed human and know that I will continue to struggle with these insecurities, but help me God to turn to You for a reminder. Amen.

Birth Certificate!!!!!

I don't know if I've ever anticipated a piece of paper arriving in the mail as much as I have been for The Little One's birth certificate! Every day for over a month we've been waiting for it to show up. Last week it showed up but they had spelled her name wrong - major fail for the state of Arizona! But today we have a beautiful piece of paper listing Mark as the father and me as the mother. Wow. At this point I'm not sure if there's anything more beautiful to see! It still amazes me how God has formed our family. A year ago Mark and I had just taken a vacation to Las Vegas to get some perspective on our situation and step away from fertility treatment, children and adoption talk. We were preparing to take another trip to Kentucky for a conference Mark had to attend and then to Indiana to see family and then later to take a cruise. We never in our wildest dreams imagined that 4 months later we would be in Arizona with a baby - our baby! Thank you Arizona Office of Vital Records for sending us that blessed piece of paper!

God is good!

A First Father's Day for My Husband!

"Don't you see 

that children are God's best gift" 

Psalm 127:3

I wrote about the emotions I felt during my first Mother's Day, but now I get to experience another first - watching my husband celebrate his first Father's Day.  Overall it seems we Americans tend to put more emphasis on Mother's Day (and let's face it, us women kind of enjoy that!) but there is nothing more rewarding than watching the man you love become a father.  The way Mark got to become a father is different than many - how many of you had 3 weeks notice of a baby and then drove 16 hours alone to meet your baby????  Yes, we found out just 3 weeks before The Little One was born that she would hopefully be our daughter. And the day we got the call that her birth mother was in labor was a crazy one - is it real labor? should we go now? will I fly and he'll come in the car? what if we get there and she changes her mind? Because we had already planned to drive out the next weekend to be there for when TLO's birth mother would be induced, we had a lot of 'stuff' to take. Since we wanted one of us to be there right away, it was decided that I would fly out that night and Mark would drive and arrive the next day. I remember the phone call I got to make from the airport in Las Vegas during my short layover to tell him "You're a dad!" He had stopped for a quick dinner and from what he's said, that phone call made his dinner speed up a little more! I sent text pictures and talked to him on the phone along his journey, but nothing was better than when I got to place that beautiful baby in his arms and see this smile!

And then there was the next day when he looked in her beautiful eyes and asked her "will you let me be your Daddy? I don't know what I'm doing but I'll figure it out."

(You know there's tears streaming down my face as I look back at these pictures and think about that time, right?????  I had to look through all 400+ pictures I took during those first 2 days to find the ones I wanted to use here.  And now I'm an emotional mess all over again!!)

Yes, my husband who openly admits that he learned how to hold a baby from holding our cat, has become a truly amazing Daddy! He does everything with her except bathtime and hair (all that hair conditioning and combing is left to Mommy!) And TLO is definitely a Daddy's girl! The look of glee on her face when she looks up to see him and says "DaDa" is enough to light up a room!  So please join me in wishing my friend, my husband a very happy FIRST FATHER'S DAY!!!!!!

Thank You Lord God, for being my Abba Father. Thank You for blessing me with this man to be my husband and teaching him to be the amazing father that he is and continues to become. Please help him through the years to come to remain calm, patient, understanding and to remember the way he felt on that blessed day in October when TLO was placed in his arms. Thank You my Lord and my Father. Thank You for the examples of Godly fathers you placed in both of our lives. And please help me to remember that everyday is a day to celebrate You and the fact that you are my Abba Father.

Home and Hope

I have been asked so many questions about The Little One and her adoption that I really should be used to them by now. I understand people want to know, but please don’t be offended if I tell you that some things we don’t talk about – some things are private information for her to release when she wants to. Typically we’re asked things like how tall her birthparents are (about the equivalent of my husband and I), how old was she when we ‘got’ her (3 days!!!), how long we had to wait for her (not very long!), how expensive the adoption was (sorry, that one’s off limits in almost every conversation!)  But there is still one question that always makes me freeze – “where’s she from?”  Huh? What? We live here in town, in Smalltown, Oklahoma. Some people think I talk like a Northerner, is that why you ask? But then again most of the time I sound pretty southern, so maybe that’s why you ask? Oh, right, you’re asking because she’s black. No, she’s not from Africa or Jamaica or Haiti, she’s from the good ‘ol US of A!  She’s as American as I am, just blessed with more melanin than her Mama!

I can’t even begin to count how many times we’ve been asked where TLO is from and I’m sure we’ll get that question for years and years to come. When she gets old enough to answer for herself I can already hear her laughing and saying something like “I’m just an Okie.” LOL!  But after the most recent time I was asked this I started thinking about this. My patients ask me all the time if I’m from “here”, usually my response is “no, not originally, but I’ve lived here for 3 ½ years”.  But in theory, where you’re “from” implies the land you belong to, right? What if I don’t really belong to this land? What if I really belong to a kingdom far better? You see, I’m really very other-worldly! This world is not my home, I’m just passing through. I can’t really say it any better than my niece put it when she wrote this on her blog last week:

I’m not always sure where to call “home.” When we moved to Oklahoma last summer, that was so incredibly upsetting to me, and I froze every time someone asked where I was from.

“Like, where I was born? Or where I grew up? Or where my family is? Or where I currently live? Or where the most of my heart is?” Yeah, people don’t really expect it to be that difficult of a question.

Almost 11 months later, I’m seeing that it doesn’t matter where I’m from. When I opened my eyes to find Jesus in the confusion, I found peace in Paul’s letters to the Ephesians and Philippians.

“Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God’s people and members of God’s household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone.” Ephesians 2:19-20

“But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.” Philippians 3:20-21

And that’s where the messy became lovely.

Where I live and call home on this journey isn’t a big deal. Or a small deal. It’s basically irrelevant.

Did you catch the word “journey” in there? I’m really just traveling through here, hanging out for a little while until I reach the place where my citizenship really is. And that’s gonna be sweet.

Until then, I’m living this journey to the full. 

Pretty beautifully put, huh? And she’s only 15!

So now I’m wondering if I should re-think my answer I give when asked where TLO is from. Her home and hope, as mine are, are in Heaven.  And really, she was sent to me from Heaven, because only my wonderful Father in Heaven could have possibly crafted someone so beautiful, funny, stubborn and perfect.  So go ahead, ask me where my daughter’s from!

Father, thank You for the home You have prepared and waiting for me. Thank You for helping me to see these experiences in life as learning experiences and using them to strengthen my relationship with You.  Please help me choose my words correctly when answering questions about my little one and help me continue to share our story and love.  Help me to use our story to glorify You. Thank You for my sweet little Okie! Amen.

My First Mother's Day

April 10, 2012, adoption finalized!

I am 34 (*gulp!*) and this is my first Mother’s Day. It is one of those days that for the last 2 years I dreaded. I came to hate the second Sunday of May. Maybe we can leave town for the weekend. Maybe I could ignore my alarm and oversleep and we would miss Church services. Maybe I’ll wake up with a fever or throwing up. Maybe everyone else forget what today is. Maybe the sermon won’t focus on mothers and there won’t be the usual flowers given out to each mother. Maybe if there are flowers given out the kid giving them out won’t try to hand me one like they did last year.

Yes, those are the thoughts that go through the mind of a woman who is NOT a mother on Mother’s Day. Well, maybe not all women who aren’t, but at least those who so desperately want to be  typically think at least one of those thoughts. For a woman who is either trying to get pregnant or going through the journey of infertility it can be an unbearable day. I vividly remember in 2010 how we had just received news of infertility the week before and how it felt like salt being rubbed into a wound to just be around so many happy people that day.  Most people don't understand the feeling of NOT wanting to worship on Sundays with your church family, but there are days when that is the case.

On October 24, 2011 my identity changed. I became a MOTHER. I love that day, I love the phone call I got while at work, the panic as I tried to find a way to get to Arizona as fast as possible, I love the text message that will forever be saved saying "had the baby at 3:46pm. 5lbs, 6oz. Cute, CUTE baby!", and I love that first time I got to hold her!

Self-taken picture to send to Daddy telling him to "drive faster, your daughter wants to meet you!"

This year I am thankful to my sweet co-worker who switched days with me so I could be off work for my first Mother’s Day. This year I am so excited to be able to celebrate The Little One in our life and all the things God has done in my life. This year my eyes will probably "leak" a little while we're at church as I praise God for my blessing. But I want to be mindful of my sisters in pain who may read this and encourage you to be mindful as well. There are women grieving the loss of a child who will despise today, women who long to be pregnant who will resent those who are, women who have lost children this year, women who are waiting for their precious adoption match, women who had a failed adoption who are only reminded how empty their arms are, and women who have placed a child for adoption who remember the sacrifice they made and the loneliness they feel. I pray I will never forget those feelings I had during the dark times so I can encourage and offer my love to those who still hurt. I pray I will never forget the feeling of tears dripping down my cheeks as I sat in a church auditorium and looked at all the smiling mothers and wondered when it would be my turn. I pray I will be able to help ease the pain of those who still suffer.

Laura Story sings a song "Blessings" that made me pull my car to the side of the road the first time I heard it because it had me in tears. I can't express it any better than the chorus of her song and am so thankful for it's truth.

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears?

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near?’

Father, You have given me a great gift this year and I can never use words to express my gratitude. Help me to use my life and my action to show my gratitude instead. But more importantly, I need to fall on my knees as I praise You for the dark times You brought me through, for the fire of refinement my spirit had to go through. I thank You for those times, Lord and ask that you help me to  remember those experiences today and through the years and that I will be a testament to Your great power of healing and the miracles that only You can work in our lives. Amen.

BirthMother's Day

Saturday is a day that women and families across the U.S. are celebrating. A day that comes with so many more emotions than Sunday's celebrations will have. Today’s celebration is part grief, part joy. Today is a day to recognize the women who knew our children so intimately before we did – they gave life to our child, felt their first kick and comforted our child with their heartbeat. Today is a day to recognize the women who made a choice to save a life and allow that life to be placed in the arms of another family. Saturday, May 12, is Birth Mother’s Day.

First celebrated in 1990, Birth Mother’s Day was created by group of birthmothers who recognized that Mother’s Day is very hard for them and wanted to celebrate the adoption decisions they made on a day separate from that. It is celebrated each year the day before Mother’s Day (on Saturday). There is some controversy in the adoption community about Birth Mother’s Day as some birthmother’s may not want to celebrate - they want to grieve, or in many adoption situations there is no known birth-mother (such as with international and some domestic adoptions) or the adoption came through foster care and parental rights were terminated against their will. Whatever the reason and whether it’s a day for celebrating or grieving, I view it as a day to think and pray for those women who carried a child for 9 months and now have empty arms.

Let me assure you that I think of, pray for and celebrate our Little One’s birthmother every day. Knowing that all our hopes and dreams came true at another woman’s expense is…well, I haven’t really been able to put words on that experience (maybe another blog post for another day?).  I think of the tears she shed as she kissed her sweet child and handed her to me one last time. I think of the sacrifice she made so our Little One could have what she didn’t have and couldn’t offer. I think of her, her smile, her laugh, her face, her heart. But today I offer this simple offering of thanks to a beautiful woman who chose life for her child over abortion and brought joy beyond imagine to our lives. If you know someone who has placed a child for adoption, do something special for them today – give them a hug, take them flowers, take them out to eat or just say a special prayer of thanksgiving, comfort and peace for them.

I wrote this poem just after our Little One was born, as I was flying out to meet her. I wrote this for her birthmother, but maybe it will help you understand the place a birthmother can have in the heart of an adoptive mother.

You gave a gift to our family,

A life that we couldn’t give;

And so forever in our hearts,

A piece of you will live.

You gave her life and breath,

We’ll give her a home and love;

And each day we’ll be thankful,

Giving praise to our God above.

To express the way we feel

Is so impossible…and yet

This sacrifice you are making

Is one we will never ever forget.

The days to come may be trying

But I hope that now you see

We have a connection now,

Beautiful baby, you and me.

Father God, Jehova Rapha our healer, thank You for the woman who gave our Little One life. I ask that You place Your hand of comfort on her, Father. Give her peace and healing. Let her face look upon You and know that she is not alone. Let her know that this child is loved, happy and healthy. And Lord, please bless our efforts in raising this child to know You, love You, and serve You. Thank You Father. Amen.