We fit, I Promise!

After reading this article Virginia Parents Outraged After Walmart Security Allegedly Suspected Father Of Kidnapping Biracial Daughters tonight I hate to confess that I have a fear of this happening. 99% of the time my daughter is just my daughter, but there is a small amount of time that I feel very vulnerable. Unfortunately, as my daughter approaches the terrible two's and starts throwing tantrums and yelling things inappropriately I'm afraid that amount of time may be increasing. Just this evening we were at WalMart walking through the clothing section. The Little One (TLO) wants to reach out and touch every piece of clothing, as most kids do. I've been repeating to her "don't touch" and now she says that when she knows she's not supposed to touch something (but usually touches it anyway!) So tonight as we're going through the store with TLO sitting in the cart I had told her "don't touch" and she started saying it over and over and over. As she repeated it she got louder and Louder and LOUDER!!!! Eventually she was slinging her arms and head back and forth yelling "DON'T TOUCH! DON'T TOUCH!" As I distracted her by quickly handing her a snack-trap filled with Cheese-Its I glanced around and noticed at least 5 different people looking at us. Don't get me wrong, if I heard a child yelling that I would be checking out what was going on too! But what if someone mistook the situation? Or what if it was my husband that this happened to?  Or then there's this situation White Grandfather Detained While Walking With Black Granddaughter: Scott Henson Cuffed By Texas Police  that makes me a little scared too. At this point, I have to admit that when we get attention when we're out and about I know that it's just because TLO draws people in. She will look at you, smile at you or tell you "hi!" until you pay attention to her. But there is the terribly self-conscious part of me that has always tried to avoid excess attention that feeds into fears of the situations mentioned about.

If you have a family like ours, how do you face these fears? Is this a ridiculous fear?  If your family isn't like ours, if you saw a family of mixed races what would your first instinct be?  Regardless of what your family is like, what do you do when your kids scream inappropriate things at the top of their lungs in WalMart???????? :)

Thank You Lord for getting me out of my comfort zone. Thank You for blessing me with a child who keeps me on my toes. Thank You for giving her the ability to verbalize her actions and needs, no matter how inappropriate they might be! Please help me to remember to nurture those actions and not stifle them. Amen.

Labor Pains and Real Parents

Okay, today I have another one of those "please bear with me, I just need to get it off my chest" posts. I was recently sitting with The Little One in a cafe when a random woman walks by and says "I think it's so cool you adopted. And think of all the things you didn't have to deal with like labor pains and recovery like a real mom would!"  Um, where do I even start with this?????

Let's start with the labor pains. No, I did not experience physical labor, didn't gain 15 lbs in water weight over 9 months and have my feet disappear below my stomach. I did not have contractions, I didn't have to push and I didn't have all the physical recovery that comes with passing a cantaloupe through a teeny-tiny opening. But let me tell you about the pain I did experience. Anyone who was working with me the day that TLO was born can verify that I most certainly experienced labor - it was just mental. Coming up with a last-minute plan of how to travel 1000 miles in a couple of hours along with all the "stuff" we had but hadn't yet got organized was crazy.  I nearly hyperventilated with my frantic breathing while walking up to a ticket agent and telling her "I'm having a baby in Phoenix and I need to get there as soon as possible!" and then pacing in an airport waiting alone for my flight to get to my sweet daughter. And then, after years of waiting to have  a family with my husband I was alone in an airport when I got the call that our baby was born - she was only a few hours away from me at that point, but my husband was still about 15 hours away! And my recovery...well, sometimes I still wonder if I've recovered! The utter shock, franticness and total disbelief in something so amazing happening in my life made it so difficult to recover. My 9 months of mental preparation were crammed into 2 1/2 very short weeks and that makes it very difficult to wrap your brain around what's happening. Couple that with sleep deprivation when she was little and I was trying to process all the changes and it's an even bigger challenge.  My heart still aches from the pain that another woman went through. I would go through any pain imaginable to have my daughter. Please don't ever say I didn't have pains with our daughter's birth.

And now, my soap box is getting a little bigger...I am a REAL mom lady. Let me pinch you and I'll show you just how real I am. I am the mother of this sweet child. I am the mother who cries when she cries, who holds her when she's scared or hurting, I am the one who wipes her tears, knows every mark on her body and knows her favorite little tickle spot under her chin. I am so real and I am so her mom.

....stepping off the soapbox now...

Thank You Lord for giving me this child who has blessed me beyond imagine. Thank You for taking me through the adoption experience and making me the mother that I am. Please continue to help me with the ache for the sweet birthmother of our little one. Help me to heal as You help her continue healing. And God, please help me get the word out to erase the ignorance that exists in our world to let people know that adoptive parents are REAL parents and that the pain we experience is real, it's just different. Amen.

Mommy's Meltdown

So Mommy had a meltdown tonight. And by 'mommy', I mean me. And by 'meltdown', I mean tears flowing, throat tightening so I couldn't even eat later, headache-inducing crying. Why did Mommy have a meltdown? I really couldn't tell ya! All I know is that Mommy needs a time-out! I got a sinus infection last week and then had to work the weekend and I really just needed sleep so maybe that's the problem. The Little One has decided that instead of waking up between 7:00-7:30am like she has for the past 4 months that she will wake up at 6am which hasn't helped. Not to mention the 7 1/2 month clingy phase has started where I can't be out of her sight at home. So she's not napping well unless she's being held and not playing well unless I'm in the room. TLO not napping well makes for a cranky baby, Mommy not getting any down time while TLO naps makes for a cranky mommy. It's just the way things work.

Part of the dilemma for me is this: What right do I have to complain about being weary from being a parent when I wanted this so badly and there are others still waiting?  I prayed and prayed for this child, I waited and longed for this child, so do I really have a right to complain when I am frustrated after a few rough days? Is it wrong for me to still crave some alone/ME/quiet time? I prayed for this, right? Actually, I prayed for the snuggles, smiles, kisses, wrinkly feet, etc. But I knew there would be days filled with poopy diapers, constant cries and the need to be held. I knew there would be days when I wouldn't get anything accomplished around the house and the toilets would be dirty, the floors would be dirty and all our clothes would be dirty. But I don't think I knew the ache that would  happen in my heart when TLO cries when put in her bed and continues to cry when left alone. I don't think I knew how it would drain my energy to hear those cries. Still though, I prayed for this and God granted what I asked of Him - and so I ache and I am drained and mommy had a meltdown. But don't worry about mommy, I'm scheduling myself for a TLC day very soon!

I can't help but wonder the drain God feels when His children are crying uncontrollably and can't be comforted, when they yell at Him, curse at Him and cry to Him for relief. I wonder if He ever craves a time when one of His children doesn't need to be held or comforted or just to know His presence. Does He crave quiet time as much as I do? Does He ever want to pull a blanket over His head for a few minutes and close out the world?

I'm sorry Lord for the times I have drained You and made Your heart ache. I'm sorry for the times I have yelled at You, questioned Your reasons behind my pain. I'm sorry for the times I wouldn't let You comfort me. But I feel Your hand now Lord, I know You're with me. I thank You for the sweet, sweet child You have given me and even for the times I throw my hands up not knowing what else to do. I thank You for the wonderful husband You have given me to hold my hand through this journey. Thank You Lord, for all our blessings. Amen.

The Profession of Nursing meets The Profession of Motherhood

I'm used to working 12 hour shifts. I'm a nurse on a medical floor in a hospital. For those of you that don't know, that means that for 12-13 hours a day I am on my feet with an occasional chance to sit; it means I run at times to keep someone from falling or getting out of bed, I run to grab a crash cart, I run just to stay on top of my ever-growing list of medications that need to be given, dressings that need to be changed, patients who need education on their condition, documentation that needs to be completed, patients who need to go to a procedure, etc. It also means that when I get home from all that running and finally sit down with my feet up I don't want to move again. Yes, I am exhausted by the time my shift is over. But I have been given the opportunity to touch the lives of people I might never have come in contact with otherwise. I have been given an opportunity to show compassion to those the world may want to avoid - the alcoholic who is admitted again for detox and liver failure, the homeless and uninsured man who hasn't taken his medication or seen a doctor in months because he can't afford it, and those are are just generally unpleasant and miserable especially when they're ill. And when I start to feel the frustration and bitterness when taking care of these patients I try to remember Jesus' words "whatever you did not do for the least of these, you did not do for me" (Matt. 25:45). 

I often say now that I am only a "part-time" nurse now since once TLO joined our family I am only working 1 day a week. But that's really not true. You can't be a nurse part-time. Once you have the knowledge and skills, you are always a nurse. A few years ago my husband and I were on a ferry between Scotland and Northern Ireland when a call came over the intercom asking for a medical professional to assist a passenger in distress. I remember looking at my husband and asking "am I still a nurse here?" Yes, I responded and you can read my version of this interesting experience here. And then last year I was called upon for a similar situation while on a plane, my version of that is here. Vacation, land, air or sea, a nurse is a nurse is a nurse. I pledged in the Nightingale Pledge to "practice my profession faithfully" and that's what I'll continue to do.

Although I don't get "shifts" as a mother, I generally am "on-duty" for 12 hours a day and "on-call" the other 12. Yes, I am blessed - TLO has slept 10-12 hours a night since she was about 4 months old. So I consider those hours my "on-call" time. I'm on-call if she needs me, otherwise I get quiet time, a good night's sleep, and time with my husband. My "on-duty" time as a mom doesn't leave me with swollen ankles, aching feet or a bursting bladder like my nursing profession does. Instead, it leaves me with stained shirts, finger-printed glasses and pureed green beans in my hair. It doesn't leave me with the ache of wondering if I did everything I could to comfort and support my patient. It leaves me with a smile, a laugh and an amazement at how much change happens in a child in such a short time. It doesn't require me to document everything that was done throughout the day, every intake and output, every action or conversation and doesn't follow the "if it wasn't documented it wasn't done" rule that we live by in nursing. Instead, it gives me the opportunity to document in photographs and video the moments I want to remember forever and be able to share with family and friends. But while nursing is my profession, my job, my calling, motherhood is my gift from God. "Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him" (Psalm 127:3)

So I am a full-time nurse, full-time mom and full-time amazingly blessed child of God. If it weren't for the last part of that sentence I would feel a little overwhelmed. But God gives me the strength to do everything I need to do. "I can do all this through Him who gives me strength" (Phil.. 4:13).


I prayed to God to find my calling and He answered with the profession of nursing. I prayed to God to be the mother to a child who needed me and He granted all that I asked of Him...and so much more!

Thank You Father for allowing me to be Your hands, Your feet, Your servant. Thank You for allowing me to serve others in the profession of nursing and help me to remember my purpose and  calling when I grumble about my job and have a bad day or difficult patients to care for. Help me also to remember that You have given me the gift of motherhood and the great responsibility that goes with it. Give me the strength to know that while I can't be all things to all people, I can be a good nurse, mother and blessed child of Yours without becoming overwhelmed. Amen.