Just Be a "Yes!"

Many of you reading this may not know that we are in the process of adopting again. We have completed our homestudy and are praying and waiting to be matched with the baby God has planned for our family. For the record, The Little One (TLO - I'm going to have to change her blog name soon, huh?) wants a baby brother and his name will be "Two".  ☺

I remember after we brought TLO home how so many people told me about how lucky I was to not have to got through labor or pregnancy (please don't ever say that to ANYONE!) and how nothing about what we'd gone through had felt easy or lucky. The only easy part was that our wait was short, but that didn't mean that our hearts were any less torn apart by the situation or that I didn't spend months thinking about a special woman so far away from me and how she must be feeling. But now we've spent the past few weeks requesting for our profile to be shown to various expectant mothers who are making their adoption plan. There is nothing easy about this process. I am heartbroken. My insides feel like they are being torn apart each time I read the story of an expectant mother. Finally Mark and I talked about it this week and said we are reading real life situations that most people in our circle of friends and family will never connect with. I told him that I wondered what it was like to be one of these women who have only had people say "yes" to them when they wanted sex or to sell them drugs or abuse them. What is it like to have your parents kick you out at 16 or for your parents to die of their drug addiction when you were a teenager? What is it like to have 4 kids by the time you're 20 and find yourself pregnant again and know no other life because it's the same thing your mom did? What is it like to be sexually abused by every male family member you knew and then to go on and continue to have men use you for sex instead of being truly loved? What is it like to have all of your kids taken away from you one by one by child protective services because you aren't able to take care of them because your parents couldn't take care of you? What is it like to...? What is it like?

I don't know what that's like. I don't know what any of those situations are like so it's not my place to judge them. I do know that it's my place to love them. I know that it's my place to be one more "yes" in their life by telling them we would love to be bound to you as family by adopting your child. We will pray for you and not abuse you. We will love you and not abuse you. We will love your child and provide a different life for them. We will break the cycle. We have said "yes" to several situations so far and have heard back "no".  And that's ok. Because I know that God has a plan for us, for a special woman, for a special child and for our family. 

Not every woman who makes an adoption plan for a child is in these circumstances, but they are each at a crucial point in their life. And the stories I read of these circumstances are the ones that make my "Yes!" even louder. The stories I read make the stress we feel from trying to make sure we have enough money saved to cover our adoption expenses seem ridiculous.

So I ask you today to pray for us as we wait for our "yes", but more importantly to pray for the women making the decision today to say "yes" to a life and trying to make the best decision they can for a child. 

Lord, I come to You with a broken heart. A heart not broken by my own circumstances because I know  You are using my circumstances to help others. My heart is broken by the stories of the lives I have been reading about. The stories of women trying to do the best thing they know to do for an unborn child. My heart hurts for the pain many of them have gone through in their lives and I long for them to be able to know peace and love and joy. Father, give them a peace that only You can. Allow them to know that they can be loved without abuse and find peace without a drug. Give them the wisdom they need to choose the parents and the life they want for their child. 

And Lord, selfishly I ask that You bless us with another child for our family. We pray each day for the birthmother of TLO and would love to have another extended family member to pray for with our children. But more importantly, please give us the strength and patience to wait for our "yes". You blessed us more than we could have imagined by bringing TLO into our lives and we can't thank You enough! But I will say it again...thank You!  Amen.

If YOU want to be the "yes" to one of these women through adoption, I can help you! Email me at lana@christianadoptionconsultants.com and I can help you start your journey! 

This Is My Prayer

The Little One (TLO) Is almost 21 months old. This is such a crazy time of learning and I'm so amazed at what her little spongy brain can absorb. But the truth is, this is also an educational time for Mommy. She's been full of lessons for me lately. So expect several posts in the next couple of weeks!

We pray at various times throughout the day as a family, but primarily it's at mealtime and bedtime. For a while now TLO has enjoyed saying the "Amen!" at the end of our prayers, but a few weeks ago I started letting her help me say the prayer. I say "Dear God, thank You for..." and she says something, I repeat "thank You for..." We do this a few times until things either start getting repeated or a little too ridiculous. My personal favorites from last week that she wanted to thank God for were toes, doors, jammies, spoon and rock. It's always funny to see what's on her mind during prayer time because that's what comes out - just saw cows? Thank You for cows! Really want my paci but mommy won't give it to me yet? Thank You for paci! Just tickled her toes? Thank You for toes!

But my favorite thing is that she prays while she's playing. She puts a plate and spoon on ottoman and then folds her hands and says "Dear God...(mumble, mumble)....food...(mumble, mumble)....amen!" This seriously happens at least 10 times a day! Or if we start to eat a meal and haven't prayed she reminds us to. Perhaps she is just living out 1 Thessalonians 5:17 and praying continually. 

I love that she has seen prayer modeled enough in her life to want to do it herself, but last week I started wondering about my own prayer life. I mean, I don't stop to pray 10 times a day! I pray with her at least twice a day, but those are intentional and childish for her benefit. What would happen in my life if I prayed 10 times  day? What would happen if I prayed intentionally on a deeper level? What would my life be like if I lived a 1 Thessalonians 5:17 life? Sure, she's seeing prayer modeled. But what kind of model am I being? Am I setting aside time to devote just to prayer? Am I mumbling my own way through a prayer, not offering God my true needs, desires and gratitude? Is that all God hears from me? Mumble, mumble, mumble? Is that all He hears when I want Him to hear me say:

 "Lord, You made such a sacrifice for me.  You did something for me that I really can't even fathom. I'm beyond grateful and yet so sorry.  I'm so sorry that I fail to meet your expectations ever day. I struggle daily with temptation. I struggle with my own agenda. But I am grateful in a way that I can't begin to express. I'm grateful for the struggles You help me overcome, for the trials You have helped me weather, for the strength you continue to bless me with. I am soooo grateful for this child You have blessed me with who through such a short life has already helped me grown in my faith and teaches me lessons daily when I should be doing that for her. And because it makes me smile every time TLO says it, I want to say it too...thank You for her toes! :) Amen. 

Good Girl!

 

I have quickly learned that as a parent one of the best motivators for a toddler is praise. Pick up toys and put them I the box? Good girl! Use a fork to eat green beans? Good job! Try to dress yourself?  Good girl! Pee pee in the potty? What????? Oh my gosh! You're such a smart girl! Mommy loves you so much for using one less diaper today! Lol! ( ok, so maybe that was a little extreme, but pee pee in the potty gets TONS of praise!)But my favorite thing is that The Little One (TLO) has learned to praise herself when she does something good. I love hearing her pick up her toys and tell herself "good girl!" And now if I do something she deems worthy she tells me "good girl Mommy!" She may only be 20 months old, but it's nice to have her approval! :) 

But I have to wonder at what point it was in life that I stopped being able to tell myself I did a good job? At what point did I stop looking in the mirror and saying "pretty!"? When did I become so critical of myself that I couldn't recognize the beauty of Gods creation in me? 

So here I go. I'm taking a lesson from TLO. 

I am beautiful. I am pretty. I am good at many things. I am me. I am a beautiful creature created by a perfect God. I am made in His image and I will rejoice in that! 

Thank you Lord for the beauty in and around me. Thank You for the beautiful child who helps me understand your lessons. Thank You for remaining perfect and steadfast when satan tries to make me criticize myself. Please continue to help me recognize his attacks in my life and continue to grow in my strength. Amen.

We fit, I Promise!

After reading this article Virginia Parents Outraged After Walmart Security Allegedly Suspected Father Of Kidnapping Biracial Daughters tonight I hate to confess that I have a fear of this happening. 99% of the time my daughter is just my daughter, but there is a small amount of time that I feel very vulnerable. Unfortunately, as my daughter approaches the terrible two's and starts throwing tantrums and yelling things inappropriately I'm afraid that amount of time may be increasing. Just this evening we were at WalMart walking through the clothing section. The Little One (TLO) wants to reach out and touch every piece of clothing, as most kids do. I've been repeating to her "don't touch" and now she says that when she knows she's not supposed to touch something (but usually touches it anyway!) So tonight as we're going through the store with TLO sitting in the cart I had told her "don't touch" and she started saying it over and over and over. As she repeated it she got louder and Louder and LOUDER!!!! Eventually she was slinging her arms and head back and forth yelling "DON'T TOUCH! DON'T TOUCH!" As I distracted her by quickly handing her a snack-trap filled with Cheese-Its I glanced around and noticed at least 5 different people looking at us. Don't get me wrong, if I heard a child yelling that I would be checking out what was going on too! But what if someone mistook the situation? Or what if it was my husband that this happened to?  Or then there's this situation White Grandfather Detained While Walking With Black Granddaughter: Scott Henson Cuffed By Texas Police  that makes me a little scared too. At this point, I have to admit that when we get attention when we're out and about I know that it's just because TLO draws people in. She will look at you, smile at you or tell you "hi!" until you pay attention to her. But there is the terribly self-conscious part of me that has always tried to avoid excess attention that feeds into fears of the situations mentioned about.

If you have a family like ours, how do you face these fears? Is this a ridiculous fear?  If your family isn't like ours, if you saw a family of mixed races what would your first instinct be?  Regardless of what your family is like, what do you do when your kids scream inappropriate things at the top of their lungs in WalMart???????? :)

Thank You Lord for getting me out of my comfort zone. Thank You for blessing me with a child who keeps me on my toes. Thank You for giving her the ability to verbalize her actions and needs, no matter how inappropriate they might be! Please help me to remember to nurture those actions and not stifle them. Amen.

Accepted

The Little One (TLO) and I recently spent a few days with my parents in Missouri and on the way back home we stopped at the mall. We stopped at the mall to return a dress and eat lunch at the food court. So we got our food at Chick-Fil-A and sat down at a table. As we usually do, we had some serious conversation while we ate...in the form of "I see you" through the clear lid of the fruit cup! :) When we almost done I saw someone walking towards us from Burger King.

My princess!!!!!

A sweet young lady handed TLO a Burger King crown and said she was so cute she should have a tiara! We both smiled at it and said "thank you" and I noticed her hesitating. Then she quietly said she was on a short break and could she sit and talk to me for a minute. It felt a little awkward but I could see she really needed to talk so I said "sure!" The relief on her face was immediate as she pulled a chair over to our table. She asked if TLO was adopted and I said "yes". "I thought so," she said. And then, I listened. I listened as she told me her story of being raised in, and eventually aging out, of the foster care system. I listened as she told me how she found herself moved from one family to the next, sometimes with as many as 6 families a year. I listened as she described the feelings of loneliness and wanting to belong to a family. I listened as she told me that every single foster family she had been placed with through the years was white (and she was black). I listened as she confessed to me that she grew up never feeling accepted because she was the wrong color to be in each of these families and just longing to fully be accepted. I listened to her story of heart break. I listened...and my own heart broke for her. And then I listened as she told me her story of redemption. She started going to college and had a professor who became a mentor, invited her to church, and helped her get on her feet. She is now working part-time and going to school full-time and has plans for her future. She shared with me that she has finally found a family that accepts her regardless of her color - her church. Yes! God is good!

That precious young lady gave me a lot to think about on my 3 hour drive home that day. I thought about the fact that I had just spent 5 days with my parents and what it would be like to not have a family to visit. I thought about the fact that not a single person in our entire family has ever questioned the fact that TLO would not be fully accepted into the family even though she is black. I thought and I cried while I drove. I cried from heartbreak over the story I had just heard and then I cried because she was a survivor! I cried because Satan tried to keep her down and make her feel alone and unwanted but God won out and let her know she is His child and she has a father so much bigger and better than any one she could have ever had here on Earth. 

No one deserves to feel unaccepted in this world. No one deserves to be alone in this world. With God, you don't have to be alone. 

I don't have any big insights today, just wanted to share.  Red and yellow, black and white...they are precious in His sight! 

Thank You Lord for accepting me just as I am!  Thank You for accepting me even though I'm overweight, short, have a big mole on my nose, scars on my body and look ridiculous when I run. Thank you for the blessing of a family - both my physical one and my church one. Thank You for planting people in our lives to help me when I've needed it and for the people you placed in the life of this young lady to offer redemption! Amen.

Comfort and Healing

Before I became a mom I remember seeing snotty-nosed little kids running around and wondered why in the world their moms couldn't keep those runny noses under control. Yes, I judged. And I am so sorry moms of the world! The Little One (TLO) has had this never ending runny nose now for weeks. We've salined and suctioned (I cannot recommend the Graco Nasal Aspirator enough! so much better than the bulb syringe!), we humidified, we Vicks'd and we medicated. But the runny nose never stopped. We went to the doctor with bronchitis and started nebulizer treatments which cleared up the wheezing, but the runny nose never went away. Her wheezing stopped, her cough got better...and then came enlarged lymph nodes, bilateral ear infections and 102.8 fever.  And that was after mommy being sick for 5 days. Now that we're treating that I'm praying that we are all on the path to good health. But here's the thing that kills me even when she has pain and fever, I still get smiles like the one on the right.

I also have a secret...I secretly enjoy the hours of snuggles I get when she's sick.  Those hours of snuggles just remind me that I wouldn't trade this life for anything in the world. Those hours of snuggles remind me of how much I prayed for this. I know those snuggles provide comfort to The Little One, but I am convinced that those hours of snuggling provide healing too. Those hours of snuggles remind me that I will never stop worrying about her! I am her mom.

I am TLO's mom, but I am someone else's baby. Yes, I am the baby in my family and after hating being called "the baby" for so many years, I am happy to say it now. I am the baby. And I just found out my mommy is sick. And she's not sick in the way that a little antibiotic or a breathing treatment will fix. She's sick in the way that doesn't show to anyone else and in the way that no daughter ever wants to hear. My mom has breast cancer. My mom has cancer and I'm a nurse. I'm a nurse and can't do anything to help her. I know it's a small tumor. I know it's treatable. I know that God heals and gives knowledge and talents to human hands to do surgery and offer treatment. But I also know that she's my mom. If I thought I could snuggle with my mom and provide healing and comfort the way I do for TLO I would do it. She doesn't fit that well on my lap though and I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way. So I'm asking for our Father to hold her in His arms instead and provide the healing and comfort. And I'm asking you to remember TLO's grandma in your prayers.   Next week we will meet with a doctor to start the treatment journey. I will do whatever I can to help her on this journey because she is my mom. And...I am her baby.

Thank You Jehova Rapha, the Lord who heals,  for helping my child while she's sick. Thank You for blessing me with the time to hold her closely this week. Thank You Lord for allowing the cancer inside my mom to be found early. But please provide Your comfort to our family as we figure out what happens next. Hold her in Your arms and provide the healing that only You can provide. Because she may be my mom, I may be her baby, but You are the Father to us all. Amen.

Chosen

Photo courtesy of Allison Harms Photography

Last week I was at lunch with my parents and The Little One (TLO) when a kind, well-meaning stranger approached us. This lady was clearing tables in the restaurant and stopped by our table and said to TLO, "well aren't you just beautiful!?" At this I smiled, then she went on to look at me and ask "did you get to pick her?" Um, er, what? I held my smile and said "God picked her for us before she was ever born." She said she would pick her just for those eyelashes she has and that we were blessed, I agreed and she moved on. And then I looked at my dad and I'm pretty sure my jaw was on the table as I said "What????? Who asks that?????" My parents assured me that I was tactful in my response and that she meant well. I am very used to questions about adoption at this point, as well as comments about how beautiful TLO is and how social she is (see my post of last year : Home and Hope)  but this one bothered me. All kinds of mean statements came to my head, so God must have been with me to help me control my tongue! I felt seriously conflicted by this short and simple conversation, much more than I should have been. Just the word "pick" brought up all sorts of images of eeny-meeny-miney-moe or the dreaded school-yard pick which always leaves one child standing alone and embarrassed at the end. Perhaps it hit to close to home because it made me think about being picked. You see, I was picked. I was chosen by God. But I wasn't chosen because of my beauty because I have been clouded in ugly sin. I have done ugly things and I have said ugly things. I wasn't chosen because of my physical features because I am overweight in a body that sometimes fails me. I have graying hair. I have physical scars. But I was chosen. I was adopted. I was made beautiful in God's sight.

⁴ For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will -- ⁶ to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. Ephesians 1:4-6

What a joy to know that God doesn't see my ugliness, my scars or my weight! I am holy and blameless! I am His daughter! There is a beautiful song by Gungor playing on Christian radio stations now (and is a favorite on my iPod!). The lyrics are very simple, repeating over and over throughout the song. In fact, there's not a lot else to the song other than a few lines, but are more words needed when these are so powerful?

"You make beautiful things. You make beautiful things out of the dust. You make beautiful things. You make beautiful things out of us"

God takes the lowest of the low, the dirtiest of the dirty and makes such beautiful things. God takes us, whether rich or poor, athletic or handicapped, fat or thin and makes something beautiful. God picked me. God picked you.
My lesson has been learned.

Thank You Father for picking me just as I was, just as I am every day. Thank You for choosing me in my ugliness and in my sin. Thank You for making me beautiful. Thank You for giving me the words I need to express Your love and Your hand in my life instead of allowing my own tongue to spew spiteful words. Thank You for adopting me and for choosing the sweet, beautiful child You have blessed my life with! Amen.

Questions, Comfort and Control

How is it possible that our little pumpkin is almost one?????

     We’ve often been asked about our experience when The Little One was born – what was it like in the hospital? When did we ‘get’ her? Did her birthmom see her? Did we ‘let’ her see her?  So as we approach TLO’s 1^st birthday I wanted to share a little about what the adoption experience can be like in the hospital to help others understand. This was what it was like for us and it’s important to realize that every adoption is different.  This is also a lot of my opinion and others may not agree, and that’s okay too!

     First, it’s important to note that nothing ‘officially’ happens with the adoption until the birthmom signs consent to terminate parental rights. The timeframe for signing consent varies by state – but she cannot sign until 24-72 hours in most cases. This does not mean that they have to sign at that time, they can and should (in my opinion) take as long as they want – this is a huge decision and shouldn’t be made just because a clock says it should. Also, until she signs that consent all decisions about the baby belong to the birthmom. That means she makes all medical decisions and can decide she wants to keep the baby with her the whole time, she can decide when the adoptive parents can see the baby and if they can spend the night in the hospital with them. This is one of the hardest times for adoptive parents because that little baby that you’ve come to think of as ‘yours’ really isn’t yet. Legally the woman who just gave birth still has every right to that child, she has control and you don’t. (You would think that adoptive parents would be used to not having control because we have so little control during the entire process, but you never get used to that feeling!) But here’s my opinion on this timeframe: this time before she signs consent is a precious gift to the child. This is the time I imagine I will tell TLO about when she gets older. I will tell her about the first night of her life that she spent in the room with just her birthmom, the day we spent sharing the responsibility of caring for her; playing with her tiny toes and talking about her beautiful hair; the talks we had about careers, goals and life; and learning to love each other. I will be able to tell her how she held her one last time before we left the hospital and couldn’t take her eyes off of her. I will show her the pictures with loving arms wrapped around her and a face that both beams with love and is crushed with sadness. These are the just a few of the experiences I have to share because of this time we had together. We were very uncomfortable going in to this time, in fact ‘uncomfortable’ is an understatement. But I will be forever grateful for those precious hours.

     

     The state TLO was born in has a 72 hour wait before the birthmom can sign consent but she was discharged from the hospital at 48 hours. For that 24 hours she stayed with a very sweet family arranged through the agency, known as ‘cradle care’. This family welcomed us into their home whenever we wanted to be there and showered her with attention while we enjoyed 1 last night alone, got some sleep and frantically shopped for all the last minute things we forgot about. And approximately 72 hours after TLO came into the world we could officially call her ‘ours’!

Father God, thank You for putting me in a situation that made me uncomfortable. Thank You for giving me peace as we walked through a situation that we had no control over. You gave me a peace knowing that You were in control. Thank You for the sweet woman who chose life for her child and then chose us for her future. Thank You for this amazing child who is approaching 1 year old as she continues to help me grow! Amen.

Labor Pains and Real Parents

Okay, today I have another one of those "please bear with me, I just need to get it off my chest" posts. I was recently sitting with The Little One in a cafe when a random woman walks by and says "I think it's so cool you adopted. And think of all the things you didn't have to deal with like labor pains and recovery like a real mom would!"  Um, where do I even start with this?????

Let's start with the labor pains. No, I did not experience physical labor, didn't gain 15 lbs in water weight over 9 months and have my feet disappear below my stomach. I did not have contractions, I didn't have to push and I didn't have all the physical recovery that comes with passing a cantaloupe through a teeny-tiny opening. But let me tell you about the pain I did experience. Anyone who was working with me the day that TLO was born can verify that I most certainly experienced labor - it was just mental. Coming up with a last-minute plan of how to travel 1000 miles in a couple of hours along with all the "stuff" we had but hadn't yet got organized was crazy.  I nearly hyperventilated with my frantic breathing while walking up to a ticket agent and telling her "I'm having a baby in Phoenix and I need to get there as soon as possible!" and then pacing in an airport waiting alone for my flight to get to my sweet daughter. And then, after years of waiting to have  a family with my husband I was alone in an airport when I got the call that our baby was born - she was only a few hours away from me at that point, but my husband was still about 15 hours away! And my recovery...well, sometimes I still wonder if I've recovered! The utter shock, franticness and total disbelief in something so amazing happening in my life made it so difficult to recover. My 9 months of mental preparation were crammed into 2 1/2 very short weeks and that makes it very difficult to wrap your brain around what's happening. Couple that with sleep deprivation when she was little and I was trying to process all the changes and it's an even bigger challenge.  My heart still aches from the pain that another woman went through. I would go through any pain imaginable to have my daughter. Please don't ever say I didn't have pains with our daughter's birth.

And now, my soap box is getting a little bigger...I am a REAL mom lady. Let me pinch you and I'll show you just how real I am. I am the mother of this sweet child. I am the mother who cries when she cries, who holds her when she's scared or hurting, I am the one who wipes her tears, knows every mark on her body and knows her favorite little tickle spot under her chin. I am so real and I am so her mom.

....stepping off the soapbox now...

Thank You Lord for giving me this child who has blessed me beyond imagine. Thank You for taking me through the adoption experience and making me the mother that I am. Please continue to help me with the ache for the sweet birthmother of our little one. Help me to heal as You help her continue healing. And God, please help me get the word out to erase the ignorance that exists in our world to let people know that adoptive parents are REAL parents and that the pain we experience is real, it's just different. Amen.

You Are Not Alone

My Little One turned 11 months old yesterday. 11 months! I can't believe we're already planning her first birthday party! But here's the crazy thing - a year ago we didn't even know about the little blessing who would soon come into our lives!

But with an 11 month old comes some not-so-fun problems - separation anxiety. Ugh. Just the simple act of setting her down elicits a crumpled face and tears. And Heaven forbid I leave the room once she's set down!   We're in the "pick me up and hold me, no put me down look at all those toys I want to play with, no pick me up" phase.  It's a frustrating stage (please Lord, let this just be a stage!) but one that I can sort of understand...sort of.

When I've been comforted in the arms of my Lord, held tightly and comforted to know He loves me, the last thing I want is to be left alone. I remember the times I have felt like God set me down after holding me in His arms. Times when He has stood me on my feet and says "it's okay, you'll be alright, you can walk now." How overwhelming that feeling is! How I have longed for the comfort and safety of being held in His arms! And the times I have sat with my own face crumpling and cried to be held again. But like my daughter, once I'm held I look and see the fun things I could be doing and want to get down and play on my own. But just like The Little One (TLO) and I have a compromise that I will hold her hand for a few minutes until she's ready to go play on her own, my God will hold me hand when I need it. He will hold it until I'm ready to walk on my own. Or in the words of the old song 

Hold my hand all the way 

Every hour, every day 

From here to the great unknown 

Take my hand 

Let me stand 

Where no one stands alone 

I try to reassure TLO that she will never be alone, that even if I leave the room or leave her with someone else I will always come back. I will always hold her hand. 

"...I am not alone, for my Father is with me." John 16:32

Lord, You have given me great blessings! You gave me such a beautiful little child who teaches me big lessons. thank You for holding my hand, for supporting me when I am weak and when I feel alone. TThank You for comforting me when I crumble under my fears and anxieties. Thank You for holding me in Your arms when I need it and holding my hand while I stand on my own feet. Thank You for reminding me that I am not alone. Give me the patience to provide similar comfort to my little one when she feels alone. Help me show her that she will never be alone. Amen

Love is Love

I have been thinking about this post for over a month and have struggled with how to write it. I came across another blog post this morning that gave me some insight, so here you go!  Bear with me for a little backstory...

     We recently went to Washington D.C. when my husband had a conference to attend. The Little One (TLO) and I decided to tag along so we could visit with family both before his conference and after. But this turned out to be one of the more challenging trips we have taken. Within the first 3 days of our trip TLO crawled off the bed in the hotel twice, which she had never done before and resulted in a frazzled mom and baby. She also is a horrible sleeper when in a hotel (I see you mommy and daddy, so that must mean I don't have to sleep!!!!) I spent our first night at the DC hotel bouncing her on the side of the bed and humming for almost an hour trying to be mindful of our hotel neighbors. At some point in the morning she ended up in bed with us and all my attempts to get her to take a nap later that morning were futile as well. Since TLO's dad was headed off to his meetings and it was just us alone in the big  city for 2 days, I ended up getting a pass for one of the hop-on-hop-off tour buses and we just rode around the city. She slept great on the bus in her stroller but woke up if we got off.

I got to see a few sights and hear a lot of information from the audio tour on the bus, but all the things I thought we might get to visit didn't really happen. We did this for 2 days and it worked as well as it could.  But considering how hot it was it was, I was exhausted after wrestling her for 2 days through a hot city with little sleep. I was beaten down, worn out and questioning my sanity. And then we had the best dinner ever! Yes, that's right, it was a dinner that changed my whole trip and my whole perspective!

     We left our hotel and walked to a restaurant a few blocks away. While I was putting our name in for a table and trying to get the stroller stashed away in a coat closet, my husband was getting eyed by a couple of ladies at the bar. Well, technically it was TLO being eyed by the ladies, but he was holding her! As the host tried to take us to the table the ladies stopped me and asked to bring her closer so they could see her.  This sounds weird, but we rarely go out to eat without being stopped and told how adorable she is, so we're kind of used to it! She was oooh'd and awwww'd over her and then we went to our table. Dinner was nice, but TLO was tired and about ready for bed so she wasn't at her best. But as we started to leave the same ladies were still at the bar and waved us over again. One of the ladies said she teaches dance and would we please bring her to her mommy and me dance class?  We told them we were visiting from out of state, but thanks for the offer. And then it happened. The 2 minute exchange that made all of the frustration, exhaustion and stress from the previous days disappear. One of them said to us "thank you so much for going across the racial lines to adopt! I had a rough home life and would have given anything to have had 2 loving parents of any color instead of the situation I had.  You can tell she is happy and healthy and that you are too!"  This meant so much to me to hear this.  In our everyday life I rarely think about how we look as a family. But while we were in DC where there was a larger African-American population I felt the looks we were getting while walking down the street.

All 3 of us at Mount Vernon

Sometimes it was just a puzzled look, often it was just smiles at something TLO was doing, but sometimes I had felt judged. Sometimes I could almost hear the thought "why do they have a black child? That child should be with a black family who can teach her about her heritage and how to be a strong black woman." It's probably just my own insecurities that make me hear those things but I want to be honest about how I was feeling. But here we were in a restaurant with 2 African-American women telling us that they admired us for what we were doing.  So there I stood with tears in my eyes as they told me "keep doing what you're doing. She is beautiful, I can tell you spend time taking care of her hair which is important. Give her education and opportunities to explore all her talents. Give her all life has to offer. But most importantly, give her love. Love is love, no matter the color."
We left the restaurant that night standing a little taller, with tears in our eyes and smiles on our faces. We left there and said "that just made my week."  That night in the hotel even seemed to go a little better.  TLO probably didn't sleep any better than she had been, but I felt like I had a little more energy to deal with it.  We've been told similar things before, but there was a difference.  Usually when we're told that someone admires us for adopting transracially it's either by a friend or by someone who is white. So I guess I tend to brush those comments off.  But having someone I didn't know who was black tell me such things just made me melt. It was like all my insecure thoughts got a whole lot smaller. Those thoughts were being fought with positive affirmations. And as little Noah reminded me in this article, Martin Luther King, Jr told us "it's the content of your character that matters, not the color of your skin."  Or perhaps in our case, "it's the content of your parenting that matters, not the color of your skin."

     So to the 2 women at a restaurant bar in Washington DC, I'd like to say "thank you." Thank you for helping me work on my insecurities. Thank you for letting me know how you feel so I don't make up my own interpretations of what you're thinking about us when you look at us.  Thank you for giving me positive affirmations and your endorsement.  And thank you for giving me a little extra energy that night to get through the rest of our trip.  Sometimes God answers our prayers in ways we wouldn't expect.  That very morning, according to my journal I had prayed "please Lord, give me a reprieve today. Help me to find a way to enjoy this day in spite of my fatigue and the heat and a cranky baby. Remind me God that I want to help this child see sights across the world and that this trip is just one of many.  Lift me up Lord, lift my spirits and my heart and help me to see You."  I never would have imagined that the answer to my prayer would come from 2 women at a bar, but it did!

     I had been wondering how to write about this experience when I came across this blog post by Shaun Groves this morning. The verse he shared hit home "I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better." -Ephesians 1:17.  On that day God blessed me with the Spirit of wisdom and revelation and I came to know Him better.  What have you been praying for recently?  What lessons have you learned?  Are you praying about your insecurities?

Lord, thank You for accepting me as I am with all my insecurities and flaws. Thank You for giving me wisdom when I need it. I am but a flawed human and know that I will continue to struggle with these insecurities, but help me God to turn to You for a reminder. Amen.

What's In A Name - Who's Your Daddy?

In the spirit of Father's Day, I would like to make a second post.


I think most of us have one specific name we use for our father, whether it's 'Dad', 'Daddy', 'Father', 'Pops' or 'Papa', we have a special name for our fathers. I call my dad 'Daddy'.  But I also have a great talent - I can make that 2 syllable word become 5 or 6. Daaaaaaaaaaaaddddddddyyyyyyyy!  Yup, I learned at a young age that when needed adding a few extra syllables to the word and making my eyes a little bigger could make great things happen. There were also the times when it was said in exasperation with hands on my hips "Dad."


When you talk to your Heavenly Father, how do you say His name? Is it 'God'? 'Heavenly Father'? 'Lord God'?  Those are the usual ways I hear prayers addressed. But do they really describe the One Who created the world, Who hears my cries, Who heals my hurts, Who provides for me, Who watches over me and the One Who knows me? In America we don't usually think about the meaning behind a name except when naming a new child. But in many countries, as well as is seen in the Old Testament, a name has a meaning and that meaning is well understood when used. Blue Letter Bible offers us a small glimpse at some of the names used in the Old Testament. 

• El Shaddai (Lord God Almighty)
• El Elyon (The Most High God)
• Adonai (Lord, Master)
• Yahweh (Lord, Jehovah)
• Jehovah Nissi (The Lord My Banner)
• Jehovah-Raah (The Lord My Shepherd)
• Jehovah Rapha (The Lord That Heals)
• Jehovah Shammah (The Lord Is There)
• Jehovah Tsidkenu (The Lord Our Righteousness)
• Jehovah Mekoddishkem (The Lord Who Sanctifies You)
• El Olam (The Everlasting God)
• Elohim (God)
• Qanna (Jealous)
• Jehovah Jireh (The Lord Will Provide)
• Jehovah Shalom (The Lord Is Peace)
• Jehovah Sabaoth (The Lord of Hosts)

I am so blessed to be able to know that when I call on my God for help, He answers no matter what names I use for Him. But how awesome is it to be able to know that when I feel alone I can turn to my Jehovah Shammah and when I am in distress I can call on Jehovah Shalom!?  Jehovah Rapha has healed my hurts Jehovah-Raah walks me through the valley of the shadow of death. Are you allowing El Elyon to be The Most High God in your life? Which aspect and name of God speaks to you where you are right now in your life?

El Shaddai, how can I begin to thank You for the blessing You have given me?  But I thank You now for the way You allow me to talk to You, to know that when I need you, Jehova Shammah, The Lord Is There. I thank You for all the ways You protect, comfort and heal me and for ways You allow me to address You in these times. Please help me Adonai to serve You better and to allow You to truly be Jehovah Mekoddishkem to me!

A First Father's Day for My Husband!

"Don't you see 

that children are God's best gift" 

Psalm 127:3

I wrote about the emotions I felt during my first Mother's Day, but now I get to experience another first - watching my husband celebrate his first Father's Day.  Overall it seems we Americans tend to put more emphasis on Mother's Day (and let's face it, us women kind of enjoy that!) but there is nothing more rewarding than watching the man you love become a father.  The way Mark got to become a father is different than many - how many of you had 3 weeks notice of a baby and then drove 16 hours alone to meet your baby????  Yes, we found out just 3 weeks before The Little One was born that she would hopefully be our daughter. And the day we got the call that her birth mother was in labor was a crazy one - is it real labor? should we go now? will I fly and he'll come in the car? what if we get there and she changes her mind? Because we had already planned to drive out the next weekend to be there for when TLO's birth mother would be induced, we had a lot of 'stuff' to take. Since we wanted one of us to be there right away, it was decided that I would fly out that night and Mark would drive and arrive the next day. I remember the phone call I got to make from the airport in Las Vegas during my short layover to tell him "You're a dad!" He had stopped for a quick dinner and from what he's said, that phone call made his dinner speed up a little more! I sent text pictures and talked to him on the phone along his journey, but nothing was better than when I got to place that beautiful baby in his arms and see this smile!

And then there was the next day when he looked in her beautiful eyes and asked her "will you let me be your Daddy? I don't know what I'm doing but I'll figure it out."

(You know there's tears streaming down my face as I look back at these pictures and think about that time, right?????  I had to look through all 400+ pictures I took during those first 2 days to find the ones I wanted to use here.  And now I'm an emotional mess all over again!!)

Yes, my husband who openly admits that he learned how to hold a baby from holding our cat, has become a truly amazing Daddy! He does everything with her except bathtime and hair (all that hair conditioning and combing is left to Mommy!) And TLO is definitely a Daddy's girl! The look of glee on her face when she looks up to see him and says "DaDa" is enough to light up a room!  So please join me in wishing my friend, my husband a very happy FIRST FATHER'S DAY!!!!!!

Thank You Lord God, for being my Abba Father. Thank You for blessing me with this man to be my husband and teaching him to be the amazing father that he is and continues to become. Please help him through the years to come to remain calm, patient, understanding and to remember the way he felt on that blessed day in October when TLO was placed in his arms. Thank You my Lord and my Father. Thank You for the examples of Godly fathers you placed in both of our lives. And please help me to remember that everyday is a day to celebrate You and the fact that you are my Abba Father.

Mommy's Meltdown

So Mommy had a meltdown tonight. And by 'mommy', I mean me. And by 'meltdown', I mean tears flowing, throat tightening so I couldn't even eat later, headache-inducing crying. Why did Mommy have a meltdown? I really couldn't tell ya! All I know is that Mommy needs a time-out! I got a sinus infection last week and then had to work the weekend and I really just needed sleep so maybe that's the problem. The Little One has decided that instead of waking up between 7:00-7:30am like she has for the past 4 months that she will wake up at 6am which hasn't helped. Not to mention the 7 1/2 month clingy phase has started where I can't be out of her sight at home. So she's not napping well unless she's being held and not playing well unless I'm in the room. TLO not napping well makes for a cranky baby, Mommy not getting any down time while TLO naps makes for a cranky mommy. It's just the way things work.

Part of the dilemma for me is this: What right do I have to complain about being weary from being a parent when I wanted this so badly and there are others still waiting?  I prayed and prayed for this child, I waited and longed for this child, so do I really have a right to complain when I am frustrated after a few rough days? Is it wrong for me to still crave some alone/ME/quiet time? I prayed for this, right? Actually, I prayed for the snuggles, smiles, kisses, wrinkly feet, etc. But I knew there would be days filled with poopy diapers, constant cries and the need to be held. I knew there would be days when I wouldn't get anything accomplished around the house and the toilets would be dirty, the floors would be dirty and all our clothes would be dirty. But I don't think I knew the ache that would  happen in my heart when TLO cries when put in her bed and continues to cry when left alone. I don't think I knew how it would drain my energy to hear those cries. Still though, I prayed for this and God granted what I asked of Him - and so I ache and I am drained and mommy had a meltdown. But don't worry about mommy, I'm scheduling myself for a TLC day very soon!

I can't help but wonder the drain God feels when His children are crying uncontrollably and can't be comforted, when they yell at Him, curse at Him and cry to Him for relief. I wonder if He ever craves a time when one of His children doesn't need to be held or comforted or just to know His presence. Does He crave quiet time as much as I do? Does He ever want to pull a blanket over His head for a few minutes and close out the world?

I'm sorry Lord for the times I have drained You and made Your heart ache. I'm sorry for the times I have yelled at You, questioned Your reasons behind my pain. I'm sorry for the times I wouldn't let You comfort me. But I feel Your hand now Lord, I know You're with me. I thank You for the sweet, sweet child You have given me and even for the times I throw my hands up not knowing what else to do. I thank You for the wonderful husband You have given me to hold my hand through this journey. Thank You Lord, for all our blessings. Amen.

Hold Me Tight

When we were traveling recently The Little One got a little over-tired on a couple of days when she didn’t take good naps. We were trying to get her to sleep in a pack-n-play at our hotel, which usually wouldn’t be a problem, but these nights she was just NOT settling down. She was in full-fledged “must keep moving and move all extremities or I will crash hard” mode. Finally both times I ended up putting her in bed with me (yay for king-sized hotel beds! This wouldn’t work well at home in our queen!) pulled the blanket over her body tightly and held her down.  If I’d had a blanket large enough with me I would have swaddled her, but this was the best I could do. She eventually stopped wiggling and stared into my eyes with a smile. I couldn’t help but smile back even through my frustration. I could tell she knew she was safe, she was comfortable and now she was happy. Within a couple of minutes she was out like a light (and moved back to her bed!)  She just needed a little help to slow down and calm down. She needed peace.

I couldn't help but post this picture from when she was just 1 month old. Swaddling made everything better! 

I’ve had many nights when I can’t sleep because my mind is racing and I wish for a way to swaddle my brain up tight to calm it so I could drift off.  Sometimes we just get so wrapped up in the craziness of our lives that we’re not able to soothe ourselves. Have you ever just stopped to ask God, “hold me down Lord, hold me until I can function the way I should”?  I may not have said it in those words, but I’ve definitely asked for that help!  I should probably ask for that more often.  Should you? When things are crazy and deadlines are coming due and the kids aren’t behaving and you’ve got to make dinner and you’re supposed to be making 3 dozen cupcakes for tomorrow…remember to ask God to swaddle you tight and calm you until you can handle the mess on your own. Sometimes all you have to do is be still.

Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God.”

Hold me tight, dear Lord. Swaddle me in Your arms of comfort and love. Let me feel Your presence and know that with my Father’s hand on me I am safe. Let me smile at You, Lord as You help me to know that I can do everything that needs to get done, but only in time and that it’s ok to take time for me too. I know You get frustrated with me God, and I sure hope You smile through Your frustration too! Thank You Lord for this comfort that only You can provide. Amen.

Forward Motion

I have learned that there are few things in life more frustrating than watching your child struggle – whether because something is wrong or trying to learn something new. The Little One in our house has started crawling. It’s not always a pretty crawl – sometimes it’s a combination of frog-kicks, face-planting, bear-crawls on her toes and sheer willpower. But she moves forward and gets where she wants. She’s been working on this skill for several weeks now and watching her struggle to reach something only to ultimately propel herself backwards and end up 3 feet away from her desired toy instead of the 6 inches she started was hard to watch. It was hard to hear the desperate grunts and silent pleas of help as she looked at me. She spent more time with her face buried in the carpet and rubbing her nose in it out of frustration than trying to move towards her prize.

As I watched this development happen before my eyes I started to think. What if we didn’t crawl before walked? Would we first learn to walk backwards? (Don’t judge, this was in one of my less philosophical thinking sessions!) But I quickly started thinking about my crawl/walk with Jesus. How many times in my life have I been crawling along through of a mire of self-induced mess and then pushing backwards to separate myself from Him when I was trying to move closer? How many times did I bury my face in the ground instead of keeping my eyes focused on the Prize? How many times did I just give up, get distracted and go onto something else only to realize later how vast the space was that I had created? The answer to every one of those questions is ‘too many.’  I can say that I never pushed away from Jesus on purpose, just like TLO didn’t push away from her toys on purpose, but it doesn’t matter if it was on purpose or not. Neither one of us ended up in the position we wanted to be in. How much noise did I make as I tried to propel myself forward again? How much did I cry out to the Lord as a plea of help?  Thankfully, the answer to those questions is ‘a lot!’ I think of David crying out to God in the Old Testament; how much noise he made in response to his pain and frustration. My own cries weren’t nearly as eloquent as David’s but we were both in the same boat – separated from God. Sometimes I had to close off my ears to TLO’s sounds of frustration and allow her to figure out how to propel herself forward, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t down in the floor in front of her encouraging her with each attempt “Come on baby! You’re doing great! Almost there! Way to go!” And I can just imagine my Abba Father down on His knees encouraging me as well as I realized how distant I was from Him and began my journey back to Him. His tender voice saying “Come on baby, I’m right here, I’ll never leave your side once you’re with me. You are so loved, come back into My arms, they’re waiting open wide!” I experienced frustration watching TLO struggle so much, I can only imagine the frustration, sadness and despair my God experiences when he watches His children struggle.

Thankfully, just as TLO finally figured out forward motion, so did I. The first time she crawled she got smothered in smooches on her cheeks and sounds of glee (and she got to play with the toy she so desperately wanted to…my painted toenails!) And when I figured out forward motion in my Christian life, I got held in the arms of Jesus where I can stay forever. What a prize!

Thank You Father, for kneeling on the ground waiting and encouraging me as I figured out how to crawl forward to You!  Thank You for teaching me, encouraging me, and always being there for me. Thank for the sweet child You have blessed me who opens my eyes to Your awesomeness! And thank You Lord for giving her the strength and abilities You have blessed her with. Please continue to allow her to grow (but not too fast!) and learn and to see Your awesomeness for herself. Amen.

Shopping, Money Saving and Pictures - Randomness!

Last summer my husband and got dressed nicely, went and spent an hour outside and smiled at each other and at others around us. We sat in the dirt, we sat on rocks, we made each other laugh. No, we weren't on a date...we were taking pictures to put in our profile book to tell a birthmother about us.  And I must admit that as cute as we were just the 2 of us, we are so much cuter with The Little One in the mix! 

But, now is the time I've been waiting for. We get to take our first official, professional family picture! We're not taking the pictures for another couple of weeks, but since we'll be traveling for part of that time I wanted to get something very important figured out ahead of time - what we all wear!?!? Yes, those are very important details!  LOL! Now my husband's wardrobe is easy - I simply need to choose a polo that will coordinate with mine and TLO's outfits. Easy. We'll put that off until later. But us girls have got to spend a little time thinking about our stuff! So I've been enjoying the convenience of online shopping today and have narrowed the options down to 2 choices for both of us, however my choice will be made by which ever dress she ends up wearing, which will probably be decided by which one fits when they get here and/or which one gets a spit-up stain on it as we head out the door! Now that I'm only working 1 day a week I'm always looking for ways to save money or make a little extra. So in under 5 minutes I completed my check-outs at 3 different online stores, had coupon codes for all 3 plus I will be getting cash-back rewards from ShopAtHome.com . I love ShopAtHome! If you go through their website to access your favorite store (they don't have all stores but they do have a HUGE selection) you can get a percentage of cash back on your purchase. Usually it's something like 3% which isn't much, but sometimes it's 6% or 10%. And once you have $20 available for cash back they send you a check. Since I started using it in August I've received over $200 in checks. Not bad considering I would have been spending all that money anyway. This is one of the ways I've found to help us save money but I also do things like using the Target debit card when I shop there to get 5% discounts and free shipping and have become a couponer, ad scourer and online price researcher.  If you'd like more information about ShopAtHome or other ways I save/make money, let me know (I do mystery shopping to get free meals and other stuff too and have iPhone apps that make money!) 

But anyway, the convenience of online shopping...we live in a small town which doesn't feature very many of my favorite stores. My husband thought I would spend less money shopping when we moved here since I don't like having to drive an hour for shopping very frequently. I have proved him so wrong on so many occasions! I look forward to sharing our first official, professional picture here next month by my new friend (and mother to TLO's sweet new friend too!) Allison Harms. Local friends, go check out her facebook page! She just moved to here but takes beautiful photos! Tell her Lana sent you! 

Well, that's the end of my rambling about pictures, shopping and money saving. Now go forth and save some money! And go schedule your family pictures - preserve those sweet faces of your family!

Thank You Lord for the blessings you have given me. Thank You for showing me ways to better use the resources you have so richly blessed me with! Always help me to remember that everything I have is from You and that I should use it all wisely. Amen.

My First Mother's Day

April 10, 2012, adoption finalized!

I am 34 (*gulp!*) and this is my first Mother’s Day. It is one of those days that for the last 2 years I dreaded. I came to hate the second Sunday of May. Maybe we can leave town for the weekend. Maybe I could ignore my alarm and oversleep and we would miss Church services. Maybe I’ll wake up with a fever or throwing up. Maybe everyone else forget what today is. Maybe the sermon won’t focus on mothers and there won’t be the usual flowers given out to each mother. Maybe if there are flowers given out the kid giving them out won’t try to hand me one like they did last year.

Yes, those are the thoughts that go through the mind of a woman who is NOT a mother on Mother’s Day. Well, maybe not all women who aren’t, but at least those who so desperately want to be  typically think at least one of those thoughts. For a woman who is either trying to get pregnant or going through the journey of infertility it can be an unbearable day. I vividly remember in 2010 how we had just received news of infertility the week before and how it felt like salt being rubbed into a wound to just be around so many happy people that day.  Most people don't understand the feeling of NOT wanting to worship on Sundays with your church family, but there are days when that is the case.

On October 24, 2011 my identity changed. I became a MOTHER. I love that day, I love the phone call I got while at work, the panic as I tried to find a way to get to Arizona as fast as possible, I love the text message that will forever be saved saying "had the baby at 3:46pm. 5lbs, 6oz. Cute, CUTE baby!", and I love that first time I got to hold her!

Self-taken picture to send to Daddy telling him to "drive faster, your daughter wants to meet you!"

This year I am thankful to my sweet co-worker who switched days with me so I could be off work for my first Mother’s Day. This year I am so excited to be able to celebrate The Little One in our life and all the things God has done in my life. This year my eyes will probably "leak" a little while we're at church as I praise God for my blessing. But I want to be mindful of my sisters in pain who may read this and encourage you to be mindful as well. There are women grieving the loss of a child who will despise today, women who long to be pregnant who will resent those who are, women who have lost children this year, women who are waiting for their precious adoption match, women who had a failed adoption who are only reminded how empty their arms are, and women who have placed a child for adoption who remember the sacrifice they made and the loneliness they feel. I pray I will never forget those feelings I had during the dark times so I can encourage and offer my love to those who still hurt. I pray I will never forget the feeling of tears dripping down my cheeks as I sat in a church auditorium and looked at all the smiling mothers and wondered when it would be my turn. I pray I will be able to help ease the pain of those who still suffer.

Laura Story sings a song "Blessings" that made me pull my car to the side of the road the first time I heard it because it had me in tears. I can't express it any better than the chorus of her song and am so thankful for it's truth.

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears?

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near?’

Father, You have given me a great gift this year and I can never use words to express my gratitude. Help me to use my life and my action to show my gratitude instead. But more importantly, I need to fall on my knees as I praise You for the dark times You brought me through, for the fire of refinement my spirit had to go through. I thank You for those times, Lord and ask that you help me to  remember those experiences today and through the years and that I will be a testament to Your great power of healing and the miracles that only You can work in our lives. Amen.

BirthMother's Day

Saturday is a day that women and families across the U.S. are celebrating. A day that comes with so many more emotions than Sunday's celebrations will have. Today’s celebration is part grief, part joy. Today is a day to recognize the women who knew our children so intimately before we did – they gave life to our child, felt their first kick and comforted our child with their heartbeat. Today is a day to recognize the women who made a choice to save a life and allow that life to be placed in the arms of another family. Saturday, May 12, is Birth Mother’s Day.

First celebrated in 1990, Birth Mother’s Day was created by group of birthmothers who recognized that Mother’s Day is very hard for them and wanted to celebrate the adoption decisions they made on a day separate from that. It is celebrated each year the day before Mother’s Day (on Saturday). There is some controversy in the adoption community about Birth Mother’s Day as some birthmother’s may not want to celebrate - they want to grieve, or in many adoption situations there is no known birth-mother (such as with international and some domestic adoptions) or the adoption came through foster care and parental rights were terminated against their will. Whatever the reason and whether it’s a day for celebrating or grieving, I view it as a day to think and pray for those women who carried a child for 9 months and now have empty arms.

Let me assure you that I think of, pray for and celebrate our Little One’s birthmother every day. Knowing that all our hopes and dreams came true at another woman’s expense is…well, I haven’t really been able to put words on that experience (maybe another blog post for another day?).  I think of the tears she shed as she kissed her sweet child and handed her to me one last time. I think of the sacrifice she made so our Little One could have what she didn’t have and couldn’t offer. I think of her, her smile, her laugh, her face, her heart. But today I offer this simple offering of thanks to a beautiful woman who chose life for her child over abortion and brought joy beyond imagine to our lives. If you know someone who has placed a child for adoption, do something special for them today – give them a hug, take them flowers, take them out to eat or just say a special prayer of thanksgiving, comfort and peace for them.

I wrote this poem just after our Little One was born, as I was flying out to meet her. I wrote this for her birthmother, but maybe it will help you understand the place a birthmother can have in the heart of an adoptive mother.

You gave a gift to our family,

A life that we couldn’t give;

And so forever in our hearts,

A piece of you will live.

You gave her life and breath,

We’ll give her a home and love;

And each day we’ll be thankful,

Giving praise to our God above.

To express the way we feel

Is so impossible…and yet

This sacrifice you are making

Is one we will never ever forget.

The days to come may be trying

But I hope that now you see

We have a connection now,

Beautiful baby, you and me.

Father God, Jehova Rapha our healer, thank You for the woman who gave our Little One life. I ask that You place Your hand of comfort on her, Father. Give her peace and healing. Let her face look upon You and know that she is not alone. Let her know that this child is loved, happy and healthy. And Lord, please bless our efforts in raising this child to know You, love You, and serve You. Thank You Father. Amen.