The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth

This is a little disjointed and rambling. I'm sorry! It's where I am in my thought process right now.

When I first started this blog I wanted to be honest about what being a family is like, whether the family looks like mine or not. But making that commitment is hard. Sometimes I don't want to be honest. I want to say "I prayed for this family. God gave me this family. Everything is perfect!" But here's the truth: this is hard and I've been struggling. I've struggled with depression for most of my life but have had it under control for quite some time. But I can almost plan on some of those feelings creeping back into my life in January and lasting until around March every year. (Maybe I need to head south for the winter?) This year was different. I was so focused on our family in January with trying to get The Son (TS) to eat better and gain weight and to get The Daughter (TD) adjusted to being a big sister, potty training and moving to a big girl bed. I was so focused and thought "surely I don't have time to be depressed! I've got the family I've always wanted so I can't be depressed!" But here's the thing, depression doesn't care about that. No, depression doesn't discriminate.

After spending 4 weeks away from home while adopting TS and getting through his NICU stay I remember telling my husband that we probably wouldn't know the toll that 4 weeks of stress would take on my overall health for a while. Well, I'm finding that out. For the last 3 1/2 months I spent 27 days away from home with TS in the NICU for most of that and also got sick myself and then came home to a 2 year old who really needed my attention and a newborn who really needed to gain weight but struggled to eat. TS continued to have trouble eating through the holidays when we traveled for a week and half and continued to eat every 3 hours but throw up each time for a few more weeks before we found the right formula for him. The only 2 nights I've had more than 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep in that length of time was when I had migraines, which I had 2 of in just a few weeks time. I had been steadily losing weight while following a plan with Isagenix products but having your sleep interrupted every 1-2 hours to comfort a baby throws your body into a state of confusion and my weight loss has stopped. And can we just talk about the crazy effects of sleep deprivation?????? No wonder that's a form of torture!

That's all the physical stuff, but if you've never had your whole life interrupted and turned upside down in an instant then you might not be able to understand what I'm about to say. Becoming an instant parent is hard. Yes, I was already a mom, but suddenly I was a mom of 2 with no warning. I was the mom of a preemie whose future was a huge unknown. I left my daughter at home and was handed a tiny little boy and was told he was my son. I was told to love him and nurture him. Ok, I did that. How could I not do that? But in a world where most instant things make life easy, becoming an instant parent is not. I like to plan, actually to over-plan and make lists. I wanted to have a room ready for a baby when we brought one home but the room was still our guest bedroom with lots of stuff in it. I wanted to go shopping for him and have a closet full of clothes and toys for him but instead I was buying clothes for him him as we went. I wanted it to be perfect when we brought him home but instead my husband and I were traveling separately and TD was sick when we got home. Is our sweet boy everything I had prayed for? Yes! Was the process to bring him home stressful and just not the picture perfect process I had in my dreams? Yes! Add in the emotions I've been feeling for his birthmom (love, sadness, grief, a little bit of anger and confusion) and I've just been a wreck.

Moms who deliver a baby are given a post-partum period that it is allowed and understood when they have crazy emotions. Adoption is different. My emotions aren't from a flood of hormones but from a flood of experiences. There is the feeling of not being allowed to complain about the same things because I made this happen. I know that's totally unrealistic but it's really the thought I kept having. And so, after weeks of trying to just make things work every day and keep a busy toddler happy while trying to get a fussy newborn to eat and letting the house just kind of fall apart, I did the same thing. 2 weeks ago I fell apart. I cried and cried and cried and then when I think I'm done crying those evil "Thanks Mom!" Olympic commercials come on and make me cry some more!

Don't worry, that's not where I'm at today. I have some great friends who have allowed me to come vent and help me out, an amazingly supportive group of adoptive moms who told me "I felt like that!!!!!"  and have supported me and a husband who is doing his best to help me in so many ways when he probably wants to run away from me! I'm getting great nutrition through my Isagenix products which I know is key to emotional and physical health. And slowly but surely we're getting TS to sleep a little longer at night which makes a huge difference.

If you've experienced any of these things and are feeling overwhelmed, depressed, sad or just confused, you are not alone. It will get better! Reach out to others for help - it's okay to ask for help!

So that's the end of my ramble for tonight. Adoption is hard. Motherhood is hard. Marriage is hard. Life is hard. But each one is so worth it!

Lord, You have blessed me and blessed me. You have trusted me with the gift of a child. I don't have enough words to explain the love I have for him. Thank You for continuing to have Your hand of comfort on my family and for allowing me to have supportive people in my life to help when times are crazy. But Lord I ask that You continue to help me feel stronger and more stable. I ask You to keep helping our little guy grow and develop like we know he can. Amen.

What A Difference A Month Makes!

I've had a lot of questions about our current adoption process so this seems like the easiest way to address them all. I've struggled with how much to share openly and decided that honesty is the best policy! There will always be parts of our children's stories that are private though.

Pumpkin Patch time!

4 weeks ago I was preparing for family to come visit us for our daughter's birthday. I was preparing to have a birthday party and mentally preparing myself to have a 2 year old. The birthday came and went with the party planned 2 days later. October 25th we got a phone call that will forever change our lives. We got a phone call about a tiny little boy sitting in a NICU alone in Florida. We had asked to be presented to this boy's birthmom when his due date was mid to late November, and then when we found out he was born on October 20th, almost 5 weeks early we still said "yes!" to being presented. It seemed to weird to know there was a child waiting for his family and we felt very strongly that this was our son. We even started making our "what if" plans for child care and travel. But the next day we found out another family was chosen. We grieved as we had before and moved on, still preparing for the birthday party. October 25th after enjoying an outing to the pumpkin patch with family I got THE call.
"The original family has decided they aren't able to continue and he still needs a family. Are you still interested?" Wow. We found out a little more information about this little guy, such as the fact that his birthmom had used illicit drugs during the pregnancy that hadn't previously been disclosed and he was going through withdrawals and he was considered to have "mild" microcephaly (small head size). We were told to expect him to be in the NICU for 4-5 weeks plus we would then have to wait out the state clearances. I did some quick research and we discussed it some more. Finally I went to my wonderful husband seeking answers. He told me the one sentence I needed to hear: "If we had been selected originally and then found out these things it wouldn't have changed our decision so why should it change it now?" See why I love him!? All we knew was this boy's birthmom had already terminated her rights and he was alone. So let the whirlwind begin!

2nd birthday!

We enjoyed the next day (Saturday) with family and celebrated The Little One's 2nd birthday while trying to let her know about her new baby brother. The next day we went to church where the only thing I remember was holding my baby girl tight with tears streaming down my face as we sang "10,000 reasons." I remember feeling like I had so many more reasons than 10,000 to be singing and yet I could not imagine being away from my sweet girl for 5 weeks. How could I do this? How could I sacrifice 5 weeks of the life of my 2 year old? It honestly seemed unimaginable. But our families and friends have come through to help make things good for her. And after worshiping with our church family my in-laws took me to the airport as they headed home. As they dropped me off and prayed for our journey my father-in-law simply said "the only way this can happen is from God!" And yes, that's so true. My God is the ultimate completer of my story!



Sometime around 10pm on October 27th I was able to meet and hold my son for the very first time and celebrate him turning 1 week old. Much of that night was a blur as I stayed in his room. One of the few

things I remember was that when I arrived they told me that was his worst day of withdrawal and his respiratory rate was 70-80 most of the day when normal is 30-60 for a newborn. But around 6am when that nurse was about to go off duty and remarked "his respiratory rate has been normal since you got here!" We are not meant to be alone. We are not meant to go through our struggles in life alone, especially when you start life so little! From that day on he started gaining weight and his withdrawal effects decreased. Even when the doctor told me the first time he talked to me that we would be there at least 4 weeks and maybe 5, I told him "you've got 3, that's all he's going to need."
I got to fly to meet our boy but my husband made the long trek in the car, just like he did when our daughter was born. He spent 18 hours driving and finally got to hold him on Oct 29th. But after 6 days he had to return home, back to work and back to our daughter. Over the next couple of weeks a couple of family members were able to come visit and love on our boy with me. And I was grateful for the love! We met other families who were also adopting babies and were also staying at the Ronald McDonald House and that was such a nice thing to have others to who understood what the journey was like.

I'll spare you all the day by day details, party because one day blurs into all the rest! But here we are 3 weeks from the day I first cried about leaving my daughter (henceforth to be know as "The Daughter"!) and the day I first met my son. He has been out of the hospital now for 3 days and is

doing great! When we were discharged he weighed just over 5 pounds, so we are hoping for a few ounces of gain tomorrow when we have a pediatrician appointment.
Tomorrow we will meet with The Son's birthmom one last time. For those of you who have never had an experience like that I can only tell you that there is no way to describe the emotions.  The day after that we are heading towards the state line, but can't actually leave the state until both the state of Florida and our home state approve us. And while a family member has offered us an awesome beach-front condo and I will thoroughly enjoy some time with my toes in the sand I pray that I won't have much time to get attached to it!

We don't know what the future holds for The Son (TS) but we know who holds our future! We know the difference that a life of love, attention, nurturing and good nutrition can make in the life of a child. And we pray that his life will be a testament over triumphing evil in life with good!

If you are reading this and considering adoption, please contact me at Lana@christianadoptionconsultants.com and let me help you begin your story! We have been blessed twice now through the services of Christian Adoption Consultants and I'm blessed to be able to work for them!

Lord, there are no words. There simply aren't. Everything is inadequate to describe our thankfulness, our blessings and our love. But we know that You have authored our story and look forward to the next several chapters. We ask You Lord to make our journey home a quick one so we can be united as one family. We ask You to give our son the healing he needs to completely conquer whatever medical issues may arise. And we ask You to give us the knowledge and understanding to be able to deal what whatever our future holds. Thank You!!!! Amen.

Just Be a "Yes!"

Many of you reading this may not know that we are in the process of adopting again. We have completed our homestudy and are praying and waiting to be matched with the baby God has planned for our family. For the record, The Little One (TLO - I'm going to have to change her blog name soon, huh?) wants a baby brother and his name will be "Two".  ☺

I remember after we brought TLO home how so many people told me about how lucky I was to not have to got through labor or pregnancy (please don't ever say that to ANYONE!) and how nothing about what we'd gone through had felt easy or lucky. The only easy part was that our wait was short, but that didn't mean that our hearts were any less torn apart by the situation or that I didn't spend months thinking about a special woman so far away from me and how she must be feeling. But now we've spent the past few weeks requesting for our profile to be shown to various expectant mothers who are making their adoption plan. There is nothing easy about this process. I am heartbroken. My insides feel like they are being torn apart each time I read the story of an expectant mother. Finally Mark and I talked about it this week and said we are reading real life situations that most people in our circle of friends and family will never connect with. I told him that I wondered what it was like to be one of these women who have only had people say "yes" to them when they wanted sex or to sell them drugs or abuse them. What is it like to have your parents kick you out at 16 or for your parents to die of their drug addiction when you were a teenager? What is it like to have 4 kids by the time you're 20 and find yourself pregnant again and know no other life because it's the same thing your mom did? What is it like to be sexually abused by every male family member you knew and then to go on and continue to have men use you for sex instead of being truly loved? What is it like to have all of your kids taken away from you one by one by child protective services because you aren't able to take care of them because your parents couldn't take care of you? What is it like to...? What is it like?

I don't know what that's like. I don't know what any of those situations are like so it's not my place to judge them. I do know that it's my place to love them. I know that it's my place to be one more "yes" in their life by telling them we would love to be bound to you as family by adopting your child. We will pray for you and not abuse you. We will love you and not abuse you. We will love your child and provide a different life for them. We will break the cycle. We have said "yes" to several situations so far and have heard back "no".  And that's ok. Because I know that God has a plan for us, for a special woman, for a special child and for our family. 

Not every woman who makes an adoption plan for a child is in these circumstances, but they are each at a crucial point in their life. And the stories I read of these circumstances are the ones that make my "Yes!" even louder. The stories I read make the stress we feel from trying to make sure we have enough money saved to cover our adoption expenses seem ridiculous.

So I ask you today to pray for us as we wait for our "yes", but more importantly to pray for the women making the decision today to say "yes" to a life and trying to make the best decision they can for a child. 

Lord, I come to You with a broken heart. A heart not broken by my own circumstances because I know  You are using my circumstances to help others. My heart is broken by the stories of the lives I have been reading about. The stories of women trying to do the best thing they know to do for an unborn child. My heart hurts for the pain many of them have gone through in their lives and I long for them to be able to know peace and love and joy. Father, give them a peace that only You can. Allow them to know that they can be loved without abuse and find peace without a drug. Give them the wisdom they need to choose the parents and the life they want for their child. 

And Lord, selfishly I ask that You bless us with another child for our family. We pray each day for the birthmother of TLO and would love to have another extended family member to pray for with our children. But more importantly, please give us the strength and patience to wait for our "yes". You blessed us more than we could have imagined by bringing TLO into our lives and we can't thank You enough! But I will say it again...thank You!  Amen.

If YOU want to be the "yes" to one of these women through adoption, I can help you! Email me at lana@christianadoptionconsultants.com and I can help you start your journey! 

Feeling Your Presence

Lately The Little One (TLO) has been waking up screaming in the middle of the night at least a couple of nights a week. I'm assuming it's the start of nightmares but really have no idea. All I know is that the only thing that helps is to stand at her bedside with my hand on her back until she's asleep again. Sometimes it only takes a couple of minutes, other times it's 10. Unfortunately I'm short and her crib mattress is in the lowest setting. That means I can only reach her comfortably if she's up next to the edge. Sometimes I try to sneak out after a couple of minutes but inevitably the screaming starts back. I had no idea that just my touch, my presence mattered so much. I'm not patting her, I'm not talking to her, I'm not singing to her...just being present. 

One night as my back was hurting from stretching into her crib for what seemed like an eternity but was probably only a few minutes, I realized that I'm not much different than TLO. I realized how much I long for my Fathers presence too. Sometimes I don't need to hear His plan for me. I don't need to hear His comforting words. I just need to know He's near. Sometimes His nearness is reflected just through His words from centuries ago as I read my Bible. Sometimes I see His presence through the world around me - the rainbow after a storm, the butterfly that lands on my hand or the people in my life. And then there's the times when I've been in a dark place that the perfect song comes on the radio and I can feel His hand reaching out to comfort me. His hand, resting on my back...just being present. 

Matthew 28:20 "...And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Thank You Father for always being near me. Thank You for the heavy hand on me when I need to feel you most. I may have times I feel alone and am screaming in a dark room but I know that You are right beside me. You will comfort me when I need it, give me space to grow on my own when I can and have placed others in my life to hold my hand when life is the hardest. Thank You for the honor of allowing me to be the one who gets to stretch into a crib and comfort my sweet child. Next time i will remind myself that I prayed for this! Amen. 

This Is My Prayer

The Little One (TLO) Is almost 21 months old. This is such a crazy time of learning and I'm so amazed at what her little spongy brain can absorb. But the truth is, this is also an educational time for Mommy. She's been full of lessons for me lately. So expect several posts in the next couple of weeks!

We pray at various times throughout the day as a family, but primarily it's at mealtime and bedtime. For a while now TLO has enjoyed saying the "Amen!" at the end of our prayers, but a few weeks ago I started letting her help me say the prayer. I say "Dear God, thank You for..." and she says something, I repeat "thank You for..." We do this a few times until things either start getting repeated or a little too ridiculous. My personal favorites from last week that she wanted to thank God for were toes, doors, jammies, spoon and rock. It's always funny to see what's on her mind during prayer time because that's what comes out - just saw cows? Thank You for cows! Really want my paci but mommy won't give it to me yet? Thank You for paci! Just tickled her toes? Thank You for toes!

But my favorite thing is that she prays while she's playing. She puts a plate and spoon on ottoman and then folds her hands and says "Dear God...(mumble, mumble)....food...(mumble, mumble)....amen!" This seriously happens at least 10 times a day! Or if we start to eat a meal and haven't prayed she reminds us to. Perhaps she is just living out 1 Thessalonians 5:17 and praying continually. 

I love that she has seen prayer modeled enough in her life to want to do it herself, but last week I started wondering about my own prayer life. I mean, I don't stop to pray 10 times a day! I pray with her at least twice a day, but those are intentional and childish for her benefit. What would happen in my life if I prayed 10 times  day? What would happen if I prayed intentionally on a deeper level? What would my life be like if I lived a 1 Thessalonians 5:17 life? Sure, she's seeing prayer modeled. But what kind of model am I being? Am I setting aside time to devote just to prayer? Am I mumbling my own way through a prayer, not offering God my true needs, desires and gratitude? Is that all God hears from me? Mumble, mumble, mumble? Is that all He hears when I want Him to hear me say:

 "Lord, You made such a sacrifice for me.  You did something for me that I really can't even fathom. I'm beyond grateful and yet so sorry.  I'm so sorry that I fail to meet your expectations ever day. I struggle daily with temptation. I struggle with my own agenda. But I am grateful in a way that I can't begin to express. I'm grateful for the struggles You help me overcome, for the trials You have helped me weather, for the strength you continue to bless me with. I am soooo grateful for this child You have blessed me with who through such a short life has already helped me grown in my faith and teaches me lessons daily when I should be doing that for her. And because it makes me smile every time TLO says it, I want to say it too...thank You for her toes! :) Amen. 

Good Girl!

 

I have quickly learned that as a parent one of the best motivators for a toddler is praise. Pick up toys and put them I the box? Good girl! Use a fork to eat green beans? Good job! Try to dress yourself?  Good girl! Pee pee in the potty? What????? Oh my gosh! You're such a smart girl! Mommy loves you so much for using one less diaper today! Lol! ( ok, so maybe that was a little extreme, but pee pee in the potty gets TONS of praise!)But my favorite thing is that The Little One (TLO) has learned to praise herself when she does something good. I love hearing her pick up her toys and tell herself "good girl!" And now if I do something she deems worthy she tells me "good girl Mommy!" She may only be 20 months old, but it's nice to have her approval! :) 

But I have to wonder at what point it was in life that I stopped being able to tell myself I did a good job? At what point did I stop looking in the mirror and saying "pretty!"? When did I become so critical of myself that I couldn't recognize the beauty of Gods creation in me? 

So here I go. I'm taking a lesson from TLO. 

I am beautiful. I am pretty. I am good at many things. I am me. I am a beautiful creature created by a perfect God. I am made in His image and I will rejoice in that! 

Thank you Lord for the beauty in and around me. Thank You for the beautiful child who helps me understand your lessons. Thank You for remaining perfect and steadfast when satan tries to make me criticize myself. Please continue to help me recognize his attacks in my life and continue to grow in my strength. Amen.

We fit, I Promise!

After reading this article Virginia Parents Outraged After Walmart Security Allegedly Suspected Father Of Kidnapping Biracial Daughters tonight I hate to confess that I have a fear of this happening. 99% of the time my daughter is just my daughter, but there is a small amount of time that I feel very vulnerable. Unfortunately, as my daughter approaches the terrible two's and starts throwing tantrums and yelling things inappropriately I'm afraid that amount of time may be increasing. Just this evening we were at WalMart walking through the clothing section. The Little One (TLO) wants to reach out and touch every piece of clothing, as most kids do. I've been repeating to her "don't touch" and now she says that when she knows she's not supposed to touch something (but usually touches it anyway!) So tonight as we're going through the store with TLO sitting in the cart I had told her "don't touch" and she started saying it over and over and over. As she repeated it she got louder and Louder and LOUDER!!!! Eventually she was slinging her arms and head back and forth yelling "DON'T TOUCH! DON'T TOUCH!" As I distracted her by quickly handing her a snack-trap filled with Cheese-Its I glanced around and noticed at least 5 different people looking at us. Don't get me wrong, if I heard a child yelling that I would be checking out what was going on too! But what if someone mistook the situation? Or what if it was my husband that this happened to?  Or then there's this situation White Grandfather Detained While Walking With Black Granddaughter: Scott Henson Cuffed By Texas Police  that makes me a little scared too. At this point, I have to admit that when we get attention when we're out and about I know that it's just because TLO draws people in. She will look at you, smile at you or tell you "hi!" until you pay attention to her. But there is the terribly self-conscious part of me that has always tried to avoid excess attention that feeds into fears of the situations mentioned about.

If you have a family like ours, how do you face these fears? Is this a ridiculous fear?  If your family isn't like ours, if you saw a family of mixed races what would your first instinct be?  Regardless of what your family is like, what do you do when your kids scream inappropriate things at the top of their lungs in WalMart???????? :)

Thank You Lord for getting me out of my comfort zone. Thank You for blessing me with a child who keeps me on my toes. Thank You for giving her the ability to verbalize her actions and needs, no matter how inappropriate they might be! Please help me to remember to nurture those actions and not stifle them. Amen.